Fever Rash (7)

“Mister, uh, thank you…”

“Hah… It’s been quite a while since I’ve seen you cry, young master.”

Raiden, sniffling and continuously wiping his eyes.

Gilbert, patting the boy’s shoulder with a gentle smile.

Watching the cozy scene, Steyner quietly drained his glass.

A bitter taste swirls in his mouth, and as he spaces out for a moment, a breath soaked in alcohol escapes his closed lips.

“Haa…”

Steyner gripped the emptied glass tightly, biting his lip.

In his head, muddled by the faint alcohol, complex thoughts twisted and untangled.

And those thoughts…

Were, of course, about his son.

-You both knew, didn’t you? That I was intentionally acting like a delinquent…

-Don’t look at me like that. I know I was foolish.

-It’s just… back then, I wasn’t capable of having any sort of normal thought, with everything that was going on…

The stories Raiden told were dark and miserable.

Stories of being tormented by guilt and obsession, of having to push himself into a solitary prison every single day.

Steyner felt a deep sense of helplessness as he listened to it all.

“……”

What words should I offer?

To a child grieving so deeply, what should I, as a father, say?

No matter how much I pondered, no fitting answer surfaced.

Steiner, unable to easily speak, looked at Leiden with a hesitant gaze.

“Ugh, hic… huh…”

“Please stop crying now, young master. I fear you will lose strength and collapse again.”

“I’m trying, I can’t stop…”

He was a gaunt sight.

The threads of water tracing his cheeks pained Steiner’s heart.

I want to offer some solace.

Like Gilbert, I want to gently comfort the weeping child.

Yet, contrary to that desire, my mind kept going blank, rendering Steiner speechless.

It’s okay, don’t cry. Everything will be alright, don’t worry.

How could these simple words feel so impossibly difficult?

Steiner, frustrated with himself, let out a sigh, inwardly seeking his deceased wife.

‘……Philippa.’

A muted murmur, heavy with a dim longing, slipped out aimlessly.

Recalling her now-vanished red hair, Steiner offered a bitter smile.

Philippa.

If you were alive, things would be different.

Unlike me, who is blunt and inept at expressing emotions, you were always a kind and warm person.

Here, before this child, in despair with age-old hurts.

You wouldn’t hesitate like I am, you would’ve reached out and embraced him without pause.

‘It was you the children needed… not me…’

Mulling over the darkening emotion, Steiner took another swig of his drink.

With each moment the liquor went down his throat,

the weight of his heart pressing down on his shoulders grew heavier.

And as he frowned against that pressure, a cherished voice, long forgotten, flashed through his mind.

-You know, Sten, you tend to overthink things with the children.

– No matter how clumsy you are… you can’t let the kids feel distant from you.

– So, uh… I mean, when you’re with the kids, don’t overthink things too much.

– Sometimes, what’s needed is genuine feeling, without anything added on.

“……”

Advice Philippa had given him, once.

Steiner turned the words over in his mind, the glass heavy in his hand.

‘Genuine feeling, without anything added on.’

The meaning was clear.

Stop agonizing, tangled up in thoughts, and show his heart, as it is.

That’s what Philippa always said.

With kids, you always had to approach with feeling, not reason.

‘But…’

But, was that really enough?

What if his clumsy sincerity just ended up giving the kids wounds they couldn’t heal?

Then, what was he supposed to do…?

– Just jump in. Leave the fear behind.

– It’s much better to do something than nothing at all, when the kids are struggling, right?

Yeah… that’s right.

Hesitating wouldn’t solve anything.

Like she said, he had to try harder, and be more genuinely present.

“Leiden.”

Steiner broke the long silence.

His slow, low voice held a firm resolve.

“Ugh, ugh… Yes, Father…”

Leiden lifted his head at the call.

Meeting his gaze, still wet with tears, Steiner’s lips twitched.

A clumsy attempt at a smile.

“Father…?”

“Listen carefully, Leiden.”

Steiner took a few deep breaths, then began to speak.

The sincerity of a father, words I couldn’t bring myself to speak, buried deep in my heart all this time.

“I hope you don’t hate yourself so much.”

I’m sorry, Philippa.

I’m not good with words, so I don’t think I can do it as well as you did.

But I will try my best.

So that our beloved child can shake off their sadness and rise from despair.

“Philippa and I… we were truly happy when we had you.”

“……”

“Truly, it was like we had the whole world. You probably can’t even imagine the joy we felt then.”

I don’t know if my clumsy words can lift a fallen child.

But at least I can brush the dirt off their clothes or wipe the tears from their eyes.

“It was the same after that. Every day was a continuation of dreamlike moments.”

“……”

“Back then, you were everything that made up our world.”

Raiden, and Ariel.

I’m always sorry to you.

For having such a gruff and boring father.

“……And, that’s still the same now.”

“……”

“Didn’t you ask me earlier… if I hated you, if I resented the foolish past?”

It’s my first time being a father.

I’m very immature, clumsy.

But if you are struggling, lost in the darkness, I will always reach out my hand to you.

Because…

“I have been disappointed, but I have never hated you. This father has always loved you, Raiden.”

Because I am your father.

Steiner felt a choking emotion surge up his throat.

“You’re not the one who needs to apologize. Rather, it’s me who needs to ask for your forgiveness.”

After Philippa left like that, you fell into a cruel reality.

But in that situation, I didn’t stay by your side.

He had merely been consumed by rage, relentlessly hounding the explorers.

“It was all this worthless father’s fault.”

How lonely must you have been?

Even when you lost your mother and were tormented by obsessions, the so-called father didn’t show his face once.

Didn’t whisper a single word to soothe your anxious heart.

By the time I regained my reason, it was already too late.

You had already lost your tenderness, lost your warmth, lost your light.

“There hasn’t been a single day I haven’t regretted it.”

If only I had held you close and been enough of a haven in those days…

“Everything would have been better than it is now, and with that thought, I tossed and turned every night.”

Stener rose from his seat.

And then, with trembling steps, he moved, opening his arms towards Raiden.

“Please… despise this father who cannot be forgiven even in death.”

Tears were already flowing.

Stener’s.

Raiden’s.

Each pouring out their own rain, swallowing the sobs caught in their throats.

Raiden, who had been quietly trembling, soon followed his father, opening his own arms.

The boy nestled into the warm embrace.

“Father…!”

The sobs finally erupting.

It was a single, burning blossom, releasing the knot of pain that had been tied for so long.

*

-You children, in those days, were everything that made up our world.

-This father always loved you, Raiden.

-Please… despise this father who cannot be forgiven even in death.

At my father’s encouragement, I couldn’t hold back the flood of tears from bursting forth once more.

It had been such a long time since I had heard the word ‘love’.

Blunt and simple, truly words befitting my father… but they were nothing short of salvation to me.

In the past, I had lived carrying one kind of anxiety.

Would Father… would he resent me at all for being the one who survived, thanks to Mother’s sacrifice?

I was steeped in that awful shadow.

But Father cleanly swept away my shadows.

So I wouldn’t be so anxious anymore.

So I wouldn’t strangle myself with useless worries.

I was held in a warm embrace, and I vomited up a bellyful of grief.

And Father, without a word, just patted my back.

Gilbert watched us with a warm smile, silently refilling our empty glasses.

“Heh heh… you both shouldn’t overdo it.”

“Ugh… Gilbeeeert, you old fussbudget, don’t nag, you hear… on a day like this…”

“Old geezer… thank you… Ah, and Papa too…”

We drank for hours.

Only after getting completely hammered did we start cleaning up.

Perhaps because of the uncontrollable joy, my father, out of his mind with drunkenness, ended up being supported by Gilbert as he went up to his workshop.

I too, moved my legs towards the bedroom.

-Thump, thump…

The sound of my staggered footsteps echoed crisply in the dark hallway.

My blurry eyes surveyed the mansion shrouded in the veil of night, and I walked silently.

It was still nighttime.

The grandfather clock in the middle of the hall, which had read 1 AM when I left my room, was now pointing at 5.

To shake off my hazy mind, I splashed water on my face and exhaled a breath reeking of alcohol.

“We sure drank a lot…”

Perhaps it was thanks to Father and the old geezer.

My steps, which had been steeped in lethargy when I’d left the room, now felt full of life.

So much so that I even thought about leaving this narrow, dark room and going outside…

“For now… let’s just sleep and think later…”

-Click, creak…

Leaving behind the faint sound of the hinges, I unbuttoned my shirt.

Without even thinking about putting my clothes away, I immediately threw myself onto the bed.

I closed my eyes, about to hug the big pillow placed next to me tightly.

Whether it was the alcohol or the ease in my heart, sleep kept washing over me.

It felt like tonight, I wouldn’t have a nightmare.

Feeling the sweet peach scent wavering at my nose and the warmth of the pillow, I closed my eyes.

It was a still and peaceful night.