Heat Rash (1)
“……”
With a withering flower, smoke curling from its tip, held between my fingers, I was frozen for a moment.
Not moving even a single finger, I held my breath.
-Knock knock…
-Just answer me once, please, Oppa…
Again, the young girl’s call, knocking on the door.
A pitiful plea.
I deliberately ignored it, placing the withering flower to my lips.
The breath I carefully exhale becomes thick smoke, covering my vision.
“Haa…”
I wish she’d just stop coming.
I let out a small groan at Ariel’s voice, here again today without fail.
A throbbing headache flickered across my forehead.
-Oppa… are you really okay…?
-You’re there, right…?
-I heard from Gilbert… that you haven’t been eating properly either…
Even though I was deliberately staying silent.
Ariel didn’t stop talking.
As if she wouldn’t give up on me, the girl remained in place, stubbornly continuing her monologue.
Into the bedroom, which was filled only with silence and smoke, a faint tremor gradually seeped in.
-Please… Oppa, just show me your face, just once…
-If you don’t want to do that, just your voice… answer me, just once…
-I’m really… worried about you…
Each word that passed through the door was like a sharp shard, piercing my throat.
Every time I heard her sobbing voice in my ear, I had to clench my fist tight.
-Ugh, hic… Oppaaa…
-Please, please don’t do this…
-I’m scared… It feels like you’re really going to disappear somewhere…
-So… ugh, *hic*…
Ariel, who had been struggling to hold back tears, finally burst into sobs.
As her desperate wailing became clearer, the ‘resolve’ scar etched into her chest also gradually bled with a crimson stain.
I let out a sharp groan.
‘Ariel……’
I quietly murmured the girl’s name to myself.
And then, I pictured you standing beyond that firmly closed door.
A scene of you holding onto the unyielding doorknob flashed in my mind.
I clenched my fist tighter.
‘Damn it.’
I wanted to jump up from this spot right now.
To throw open that goddamn door and hold you, sobbing so miserably, in my arms.
I wanted to wipe away the watery trails, the fine, light-blue lines on your pale cheeks.
I wanted to whisper to you not to worry, that I wouldn’t leave,
But……
‘……but I can’t do that, can I?’
I buried my face in the blanket.
My breaths became stifled, and my eyes burned.
Desperately resisting the urge to cry, I held onto the flimsy wall of emotion.
-Please, Oppa…
– *Hic*, open the door…
Stop.
Just stop it.
Don’t shake me anymore.
I’m not the person you think I am.
I’m not the Oppa you love so much……
“Fuck… Fuck…”
I can’t stay here.
I can’t love you, who love me.
Because, I’m not Raiden.
Just me, someone who only borrowed Raiden’s body for a moment, if I were to truly love you, and live alongside you…
Wouldn’t that just be deceiving you?
Wouldn’t I just be a parasite, feeding on the love you have for Raiden, living inside of it?
– Oppa…
Even for your sake.
“Ariel…”
It’s right for me to disappear at this point.
Even if that farewell is as painful as being burned, as empty as a vacant corner of emotion.
It’ll be better than embracing love stained with deception and lies.
-Oppa…
I turned away from you.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
And then I held my breath, plugging my ears until the voice beyond the door disappeared.
.
.
.
It was almost an hour after Ariel left.
Only after the sorrowful tears faded did I regain the deathly silence.
“……”
The silence that lingered seemed to lessen the pain in my heart slightly.
But even so, I couldn’t embrace it with a light heart.
This heavy silence was a cruel brand, reminding me that I was alone.
-Click, hiss…
All that remained for me was only the harsh reality.
I inhaled the unique herbal scent of the dying flower that brushed my nose, and rubbed the stick I was burning against the wall to extinguish it.
Perhaps it was from the excessive exertion of my mental power.
My consciousness blurred, dyed with a deep fatigue.
“Ugh, haa……”
As I lay in bed, massaging my throbbing temples, a strange voice suddenly rang in my ear.
-Serves you right.
A single word drops, *thud*.
Slowly, I turn my head, looking toward the direction of the noise.
– You knew it too.
– That nowhere in this world, could there ever be a happiness you could dream of.
There, a boy with black hair stood.
His eyes, sharp with malice, bore into me, pupils brimming with mockery.
I silently stared back at him.
A hallucination, and an auditory one, taking the form of Raiden.
– What the hell were you expecting?
A noisy whisper pierces my eardrums.
I furrow my brow and flick the stick held between my fingertips.
‘……Did I smoke too much?’
Well, yeah, considering I was sucking on it like it was air.
It was about time the side effects started to wriggle their way in.
The extreme auditory and visual hallucinations caused by the deathgrass.
Effects that my “iron spirit” would usually block without a problem, but right now, I didn’t have a status window by my side.
I was completely and utterly alone.
Struggling in this situation would be pointless.
The best I could do was surrender myself to the raging current.
– Happiness, my ass.
– Misery suits you just fine.
Whether he babbled or not.
I slipped the deathgrass between my lips again.
Following the hazy wisps of smoke, the scene in front of me grows clearer and clearer.
Even though I knew I had to stop.
I had no choice but to keep burning these fleeting moments.
– With all my heart… I hope you die the most painful death imaginable.
Hallucinations are, more often than not, a projection of the person’s subconscious.
In other words.
The curses tormenting me now are all shadows residing somewhere within my own heart.
-You were a child that should not have been born.
The next moment.
The vision, which had been blank with shock, was flipped upside down.
A fierce wave of dizziness slammed into my brain, and I had to pinch the bridge of my nose.
As I staggered like that.
Soon, through the blurry focus, Raiden’s form flickered again.
He was standing in front of me.
……No, to be precise, he was hanging.
-Ghk, Gheurk…!
A neck caught in a long rope.
Limbs hanging limp.
Eyes half-rolled back.
As if trying to imitate me from a few days ago, he was attempting suicide.
-Gheurk…!
The tightly knotted noose choked his breath.
Even amidst the obvious agony, his despicable lips formed an arc.
It was a sneer that reeked of rot.
“……Ha.”
A hollow laugh escaped me.
Between my lips, curses I couldn’t swallow finally spilled out.
“Fucking hell.”
He had finally gotten a reaction from me.
As if feeling satisfied, he shuddered his shoulders.
I felt a creeping weariness.
But, the nightmare didn’t end at that point.
-Ugh, Hukk…!
-Ahhk…!
The number of Raidens increased.
Next to the form already hanging by his neck, another form was added.
The two boys writhed, each groaning.
– Save, me…
– ……Guh!
– Ugh, cough…!
This time, there were three.
The symptoms kept worsening like that.
Next, there were four.
After four came five.
After five came six.
Ropes, like lifelines, were added to the ceiling again and again.
Before I knew it, they filled the whole room to bursting.
Bodies dangling, hanging heavy.
A chorus of despair, rising from them, tears apart my eardrums.
“……”
I lay in a vast forest of suicide.
A goddamn awful scene.
Mulling over the feeling of my sanity being chipped away, I inhaled the death-weed for the last time.
I was tired.
It was too hard to stay conscious anymore.
I quietly closed my eyelids.
The taunting hallucinations still lingered in my ears, but it was okay.
A little nap, and it would all get better.
I pulled the blanket up to my head.
Completely devoured by the exhaustion that pressed down on my whole body, I let go of all strength.
Sleep licked me with its ravenous tongue.
I willingly offered up my neck, so that its greedy teeth could steal away my consciousness.
Like that, once again.
I dove into the waves of consciousness.
Down.
Down…
Swallowed whole until I reached the bottom where I could sink no further.
.
.
.
*Bubbling*…
Each time breath escapes my lips, I hear the sound of air bubbles scattering, echoing in my ears.
A gentle sense of buoyancy, wrapping around my body.
A strangely blurred sense of reality.
With these jarring sensations, I opened my closed eyes.
“……”
The sight that flickers into view is the pitch-black abyss of the sea.
A landscape I’ve encountered dozens of times in my dreams, now somewhat familiar.
I brushed my bangs away, letting out a small sigh.
“Haa… why does this dream keep popping up so suddenly…”
A bizarre dream that always appears out of the blue, spewing only incomprehensible sounds before ending.
I furrowed my brow at this recurring, pointless dream…
“Whoa there~ A pointless dream? That’s hurtful to those of us listening!”
“Too much, man…”
“……?”
Voices suddenly cutting into my thoughts.
With a question mark floating over my head, I look up to see two boys, who never fail to appear, staring back at me.
As our eyes meet, they wave their hands.
“Hey~ It’s been a while, huh?”
“Almost two weeks.”
They casually greet me.
I could only rest my chin on my hand, feeling my confusion deepen.
‘What…?’
I’ve definitely had this dream multiple times.
But there’s never been such proactive interaction like this before…?
“Well, the ‘wall’ that was blocking us disappeared… There aren’t any restrictions left now, y’know?”
“You should know, with that ‘spirit of steel’ or whatever skill you have.”
A wall, you say.
So, the “wall” I was warned to be careful not to break last time… that was the spirit of iron, you’re telling me…?
I processed the sudden influx of information, one piece at a time.
While I was turning things over in my head with a sullen expression, the figure that looked like Raiden shrugged and continued.
“Well… we can explain that later. Let’s start with the most important thing first.”
“We were watching from inside too.”
“The situation doesn’t seem too good…?”
“Rachel… she looked pitiful. Like seeing Ji-hye, noona.”
Rachel.
The name, popping out at an unexpected moment, made my breath catch.
– You said you wouldn’t leave…
– To me… you are everything, young master…
Painful scenes flickered before my eyes.
The stinging pain that pierced my lungs again made me grimace.
As if sympathizing with me, Naru opened his mouth.
“Don’t blame yourself too much… it was unavoidable.”
Was it because my heart was driven to the brink?
Even though it was clearly warm comfort, I heard it as mockery.
It felt like reproach.
Like he was blaming me, saying all this tragedy was due to my incompetence.
Resentment boiled up.
Even knowing it was just a remnant of a dream, I couldn’t contain my rage.
“Shut up.”
What do you know, you?
What do you know about the time I’ve spent, that you dare to speak so carelessly?
About the sadness, the alienation, and the guilt.
About the despair that filled each and every one of my dawns, when you know nothing at all.
“…I wasn’t blaming you.”
Naru looked at me with pitiful eyes.
But that only made me feel more wretched.
My legs give way.
I stagger for a moment, then collapse onto the floor.
“I… I don’t know.”
What the hell should I have done?
In front of Rachel, who grabbed my sleeve, in front of Ariel, who shed tears.
“I’m not Lyden… no matter how hard I try, that’s a fact that won’t change.”
The direction of people’s love wasn’t for me.
It was for Lyden.
I was just a wanderer who happened to stray in that direction.
There wasn’t any genuine affection in this world.
Because I was a false existence.
My heart aches.
I spewed out the festering wounds with a miserable heart.
“I didn’t want to deceive those kids… so, I did my best in my own way.”
This was the best I could come up with.
Disappearing.
Turning away from the love offered to me.
“……Even if I keep staying here, I’ll never be able to blend into this world.”
The hollow monologue flows along the tide.
A hot sensation spread around my eyes.
Just before the moisture was about to seep out once more, Lyden’s one word caught me.
“You really think so?”
Lyden tilts his head nonchalantly.
He taps his lips and throws the question at me.
“Are you really sure?”
“What…?”
“You said it, didn’t you? That you’re a parasite wearing Lyden’s shell. Are you really sure?”
I scowl.
Regardless, Lyden was circling around me.
“We told you so many times. Don’t forget.”
“What… what are you talking about?”
“You really don’t remember? We’re not different, how many times have I told you that?”
“No…”
Of course, I remembered.
All you guys ever delivered were these vague riddles.
I just thought it was nonsense.
Why bring it up now…
“Why do you think I would say that?”
“……”
“Do you still think Naru and Raiden are separate people?”
“……Fuck, stop talking shit and get to the point.”
Despite the rough tone, Raiden didn’t lose his composed demeanor.
A meaningful smile played on his lips.
He hesitated for a moment, as if trying to make me anxious, before adding an explanation.
“I’ll say it so you can understand at once. Listen closely, Kim Naru… no, Raiden.”
You’re not some sort of fabrication.
And definitely not a parasite that’s taken over an empty body.
You’ve just always lived as a true being, following the natural order.
“How’s that? Does it make a little more sense?”
He winked one eye, letting out a cheerful laugh.
I, on the other hand, couldn’t.
I was frozen by the shocking hypothesis that was flashing through my mind.
Raiden slightly lowered his head.
And then, bringing his mouth close to my ear, he whispered the final nail in the coffin.
“Yeah, you’re right.”
It wasn’t possession from the very start.
“……You were a reincarnation, Raiden.”