Fever Blisters (4)

Was it some kind of habit left in my body?

Lost in the surrounding scenery for a moment, my feet had led me to my mother’s study of their own accord.

I paused, staring blankly at the closed door of the study.

[Philli’s library]

(Philli’s study)

“……”

A silver nameplate, heavy with the marks of time, as if proving the years gone by.

The golden letters engraved within made a strange tremor bloom inside me.

I quietly reached out and touched the nameplate.

-Run, Raiden!!

-I’m… sorry… our, chil… dren…

Fleeting memories of the past tore at my hardened heart.

With an unknown emotion rising within me, I bit my lip hard and trembled.

My hesitant hand grabbed the study’s doorknob.

The word ‘Death Bloom’ had already been erased from my mind.

Forgetting even the original purpose that brought me out here, I slowly opened the study door.

-Click, creak…

With a light hinge sound, the door opened, and the sight of old bookshelves beyond came into view.

I froze for a moment, then collected myself and stepped inside.

“……Nothing here has changed.”

Including the time when I was Naru, it had been almost 24 years since I’d last entered my mother’s study.

I walked between the tall bookshelves, chewing over past memories.

Even though roughly three long years had passed since my mother’s death, the scenery of the study hadn’t changed much.

It was probably thanks to my father and the mansion’s servants who continuously took care of it.

I quietly took in the fragments of the past.

The desk where my mother used to do paperwork.

The chair near the window where she sometimes sat and enjoyed tea.

The old sofa where she would have us, Ariel and me, sit and read us fairy tales.

Even the portrait of our family, hung on the central wall, that she always looked at with such a fond smile…

Traces of mother remained, exactly as she left them, in the study.

Everything, every single thing, in that time-worn space brought her back.

The fleeting image of mother, pushing back her red hair, a soft smile playing on her lips, flickered before my eyes.

I felt a slight dizziness and steadied my swaying body.

“Ugh, ugh…”

A small moan escaped my lips, creating a crack in the silence that had settled in the study.

The headache I’d momentarily forgotten threatened to creep back, but I didn’t stop walking.

As I focused my hazy vision and kept moving, I reached the end of the long, long study.

Only then did I stop and stand still.

And then, I turned my head slightly to look at the bookshelf at the very end of the study.

“…It was around here, for sure.”

I murmured and reached my hand out towards the bookshelf.

Three shelves down from the top, four shelves in from the left, and the last of the seven books nestled within.

I pulled it out and carefully brushed off the dust that clung to it.

The book I held was a worn, leather notebook.

A thick, leather notebook that looked like it had endured countless years, frayed and worn.

{A Motherly Note}

I gently traced the title written on the cover.

A motherly note, this notebook was exactly that…

A parenting journal that Mother had consistently written, from the day I, her firstborn, was born until the day before she passed away.

Whenever night fell, and I couldn’t sleep because of the piercing longing,

I always came to the study quietly and read this notebook.

Reading it felt as though my deceased mother was sitting beside me, which helped to ease the sadness a little.

“…”

I paused for a moment, then took a shallow breath and opened the notebook.

*Swish*, the light sound of paper pages turning.

Familiar words, inscribed on the yellowed paper, came into view.

[Imperial Year 632, March 28th]

Finally, I became a ‘mother.’

The first child with him, the one I’d waited for so long, was born.

Childbirth was accompanied by far more pain than I had expected, but.

It gifted me a happiness that completely overshadowed it.

Black eyes that resembled his, a handsome face, a cute smile that bloomed…

I still couldn’t believe that this innocent life had come from my belly.

Perhaps I’ll need a little more time to accept this fact.

After discussing it with him, we decided to name the child ‘Raiden.’

It’s derived from the ancient word ‘Raio Ru,’ meaning ‘child of a miracle.’

He’s a child who descended to us like a miracle, so I thought it was the perfect name.

Something I had only ever dreamt of is now happening in reality.

I’m even worried I might be crushed under this overwhelming happiness.

He’s probably the same.

Uncharacteristically, he’s been wearing a silly grin all day.

My little love, who descended from the sky like a miracle.

May only happiness and joy fill our future path.

[First Record, End]

“……”

Having finished reading the first entry in the notebook, I paused for a moment, my hand still gripping the page.

Tears fell in soft thuds onto the old notebook.

I wiped my eyes repeatedly with my hand, and reached out to turn the next page.

[Imperial Calendar Year 632, March 29th]

This morning, I gave Raiden his first feeding.

He must know that I’m his mother; he smiles a big, blooming smile every time we make eye contact, it’s so adorable……

[Imperial Calendar Year 633, October 23rd]

Today, Raiden said ‘Mama’ for the first time.

I couldn’t contain the rising joy, and I cried.

He seemed a bit sulky that he didn’t say ‘Papa’ first, but…

[Imperial Calendar Year 634, March 13th]

Raiden started walking!

Toddling around, weaving through the room…

[Imperial Calendar 633, September 18th]

My second child was born.

We decided to name her ‘Ariel’…

“Ugh, hngh…”

Mother’s story continued for dozens, hundreds of pages.

The way Ariel and I grew, day by day.

And the feelings Mother had watching us.

Joy, happiness, elation…

And love, love, love.

Most of the stories within the old notebook were about Ariel and me.

Those records made me feel again just how much Mother had loved us.

As the pages turned, my vision became increasingly blurred, forcing me to wipe my eyes several times.

The hot tears falling felt like branding a deep scar into my heart.

Skipping past countless stories, my hand had somehow reached the notebook’s final page.

“……”

There were no entries on this page.

Instead, there was only a small magic sigil printed there.

A faded blue magic sigil, still lingering.

I quietly traced it, infusing a little mana onto the paper.

Then, the image beyond the page emitted a faint stream of light, releasing the magic that had been stored there.

《Chzz… chk…》

《My children… forever, I love you.》

《When the world pushes you away, when sorrow crushes you, remember this.》

《Your mother is always by your side……》

It was a kind of recording magic.

Mother’s voice, recorded on the very last page of the notebook, right after she gave birth to Ariel.

The familiar voice, shaking in my ears, finally broke the tears I had desperately been holding back.

“Mother…”

The emotions that had been teetering on the edge finally spilled over.

I clutched my mother’s notebook tightly.

A boy’s voice, stained with sorrow, begs for someone who isn’t here.

Ah, Mother.

My dear Mother.

You loved us so much, so why did you leave us?

You said you’d always be by our side, so why aren’t you here to hold me now as I cry?

Why that day… why did you throw your life away to save someone like me?

“Why… why…”

I’ve regretted it tens of thousands of times since you passed away, Mother.

It should’ve been me who died that day, not you.

If you, not me, had survived, everything would be better now….

“Ugh… hng…”

Why am I such a worthless person?

I hurt the people I love, and I broke the love I should’ve received with my own hands.

Because of my foolishness, so many people were hurt.

In my past life, and in this one too… I’m always such a mess.

How am I supposed to live now?

Carrying all this guilt, loneliness, and longing…

Do I have to live each day tormented by the scars of my past life?

I miss you, Mother.

I miss those times in the past.

I ache so much for when nothing was broken that I toss and turn every night.

I spend all day lost in a haze, wanting to escape reality.

How can I turn things back?

How can I live again?

Just once, please answer me…

“Mother… Mother…”

I stared into the empty air, where there was no reply, and cried for a long time.

Until I was exhausted by tears and my consciousness finally faded, I clutched the notebook in my arms, searching for my mother who wasn’t there.

*

And, time passed, and morning found the mansion.

Ryden lay asleep, slumped against the corner of the study.

Whether he’d cried himself to exhaustion and lost consciousness, dark tear tracks remained on his face.

“Young master… Why are you sleeping here…”

And the brown-haired girl, looking down at Ryden, gently reached out a hand and wiped his eyes.

Softly and warmly, so he wouldn’t wake from his exhausted sleep.

She carefully lifted Ryden’s body, which was leaning against the bookshelf, and laid it onto her lap.

Then, she brushed back his messy fringe and pressed her lips to his forehead.

-Kiss…

“Sleep peacefully… young master…”

The girl whispered those words softly.