Chapter 54 – What Magic Is.

“Belka, can you really not eat?”
“Yeah, I don’t want to eat anything today.”

Usher and Belka were back in their wagon. Usher was eating something like white grain from the emergency rations the wolves had given him from the bag he had left with the horse, but Belka refused to eat even that, saying he had no appetite. Among the things the wolves gave was beef jerky, but I couldn’t get my hands on it anyway, probably because I had seen such a sight today. Still, these white grains tasted good even when eaten raw. I couldn’t tell what kind of grain it was, but the sweet taste made it feel more like a snack than a meal.

“Hey, that rabbit today.”

When Usher felt that his stomach was roughly full. She opened her mouth cautiously and looked at the girl. She didn’t respond and was looking at her book, but he knew that meant he didn’t mind talking about it.

“What happened?”

Usher knew that Rogi was innocent of giving Belka the rabbit. It was obvious even without looking at it that it was an act full of goodwill. If boys want to bully girls, they catch frogs or bugs and present them, not rabbits that are difficult to catch on their own. Still, she was offended by Belka for trying to impress her, so she tried to say something, but Usher forgot what he was trying to say when she saw her sad.

He knew Belka didn’t hate animals. She was taken aback by her sorrow, knowing that she even liked spiders and insects, which she would normally dislike, to the point of petting them without hesitation. The rabbit’s behavior was also strange. Logie tried to let go of her rabbit, thinking that the girl was reluctant to see her sad, but the rabbit suddenly jumped up and hugged herself to her girl. Belka, who accepted the rabbit, was saddened, but she knew that.

“Belka, she knew rabbits were going to die, right?”

That she noticed the rabbit’s death the moment her Rogi handed him her rabbit. But then she was even more strange. Although the girl loved them so much, she was indifferent to her own death. It was natural, so it was close to resignation, as if it couldn’t be helped. This time she was not as sad as when the rabbit died.

“What’s the matter?”

At his words, the girl finally closed her book and looked at him.

“There’s nothing wrong with him. If there was a problem, I had a problem. That’s all.”

Usher wanted to ask why that was her problem, but she couldn’t say anything as she smiled like a shard of broken glass. Belka’s words were more difficult for him today.

“Oh, what should I do with this?”

Donnar clutched his head, thinking of Logi, who had gone off to the carriage, saying she would not eat dinner. Even though his heart was complicated by Pan and Sif’s work, his head ached with senseless guilt that it had happened because of his own advice. All in all, why is a whole rabbit served for dinner? I knew at least that if there was game caught for the morale of the people, it would be made into food as soon as possible, and the leftovers would be stored, but the menu was too burdensome for those who had experienced such a thing earlier. As he had not eaten his supper and was clamoring in silence, his friends came to him.

“What’s wrong? You don’t even touch your food.”
“Where are the kids eating together?”

They were Shalby, Odur, and Truss.

“Um, did something happen?”

In the case of Truth, he often skipped dinner to check on the condition of his patients. Seeing that he came with the two of them, it seems that people have been brushing it off again. I know that it can’t be helped that people are on edge now that that happened, but what’s the difference between saying openly that you’re suspicious that you dare to put those two ex-prison guards together? He knew that alcohol was strictly forbidden on the way up, but he wanted to drink today.

“That’s it.”

Donnar recounted to those who sat around him what had happened between his Rogi and his children. He vividly recalls the advice he gave to Rogi and how Hill Disbiny chewed the rabbit alive.

“Oh, I suddenly feel unwell.”

Truth covered his mouth and Odur put down the whole roast rabbit he was eating in silence. In the case of Shalby.

“Don’t talk like that when eating other people! You bastard!”
“Do you stab it with an iron skewer?”
“It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing armor!”

He spit out the rabbit meat he was eating and poked him with the skewer he used to cook the whole rabbit.

“Okay, so what do you think we should do?”

Anyway, it was Donar who asked them for their opinion on whether he could help them to the point of being able to end it gently even if he couldn’t make Rogi’s love come true.

“I don’t think it’s anything to do.”
“Isn’t that already over?”
“Ah, no matter how much I think about it, it’s impossible.”

Again, no good answers came back.

“I don’t have anything to say about that, even if I get hated enough. Logi had a bad thing with that girl. There’s no hope.”

When Odur, one of the few people who knows what happened between Rogi and Belka, says, Shalby nods her head too.

“Besides, you’re already dating someone, aren’t you? It’s not that we’re not on good terms, and it’s obvious that we care for each other that much, so interfering is unreasonable.”

Well, Donard was thinking that too, and he wouldn’t think that they were. In the end, when he realized that he had been killed by confirmation, all that was left between them was a whole, well-cooked rabbit that he had taken out of the flames because he feared it would burn.

“So now how do we do this?”
“””…”””

A growl echoed through them, but in the end no one touched the roast rabbit. In the end, they went to the caterer and had to ask them to change it to the fish they had previously caught. In the process, the gaze of those who looked at them as if they were cute was really embarrassing. The moment I tried to return to their seats, ignoring their eyes.

“Donard, I have something to tell you.”

Sif, who had assumed he hadn’t come out of the carriage, whispered those words as he passed by. Donard also thought it was not the time to worry about others. Soon after, dinner was over, and the people began to get into the carriages or into the tents, each promising tomorrow.

“Donard, are you not going in?”
“Ah, I just want to get some fresh air.”
“Then we go in first.”

Donar looked around for a moment after seeing off his friends who told him to clean up the brazier once they were done using it. Everyone had already cleaned the furnace and left, but the musty smell of the oil used in the furnace, the smell of rabbit meat, and the chatter of people seemed to linger. The scarlet light of the sunset, which had already remained in the sky, was pushed away by the darkness of the night sky, and small stars took their place. It was time for the people in the wagon to fall asleep.

While he was still sitting there, not putting out the brazier. Finally, the sound of someone stepping on the sand was heard. Donard did not look back.

“Are you coming now? It seems too late to talk.”
“I’m sorry. I just needed some time to organize my thoughts.”

What returned to Donnar’s words was Sif’s voice, which he had been waiting for so long. She came slowly, not stopping her steps as she came here. And she, sitting across from him with a hearth between him and her, covered herself with a thick blanket, probably because of the cold night. Seeing that, he clicked his tongue.

“Look.
“Huh, I see. In that sense, can I try the ginger tea I drank then?”
“Did you mean that? Wait a minute.”

Fortunately, the old man’s carriage was right in front of him, so he quickly brought ginger, cups, and kettles from the driver’s seat. There was a brazier that hadn’t been put out yet, so he boiled the water in the kettle right there. Then he stayed still, the traces of the meal time that had made the air excited were buried in the spicy, thick scent of ginger, and the excited air calmed down calmly. It was a good atmosphere to share stories that we hadn’t been able to share in the past. He decided to open his mouth first rather than wait for Sif to open his mouth.

“When did you start? That kind of thing started happening.”

He didn’t know how to turn around. He always acted frankly and was quite direct. Because of this, his voice, which is often said to be careless, was remarkably dry and cracked even to his own ears. He seemed to have backfired on what he said was keeping his emotions under control.

It was a year no matter how little you catch it.

Sif, who often helped Truth with patients, was a good target for Pan. Pan uses her brother Ruth’s medicine to make her sleepy for some time, but when he wants her body to get used to it. He deliberately committed until she woke up. That she can’t resist It is said that even that was not enough, and he was controlled by magic and forced to perform acts full of shame and humiliation. As Donnar listened to Sif’s stories, he thought he’d rather cover his ears.

But it can’t be. It was the sadness that Sif spewed out in the face of shame, fear, and self-doubt, and it was Donnar’s responsibility.

“They said so at the trial, but I still don’t know.”

In the meantime, the one who violated me was Truth’s face, and whenever he felt like it, he treated me like a toy. That face still haunts me in my dreams. It’s also difficult to sleep. Fearing that someone will tamper with my body without me knowing, I stop sleeping and check every nook and cranny of my body every time I wake up. Just looking at Truss gives me goose bumps and I want to wash myself because it feels like insects are crawling around. But since water is precious, I can’t even wash myself, and I feel like I’m going crazy. As long as my memory is correct, I guess? Is the plate really the culprit? Above all else.

“Am I sane?”

Sif’s complaints continued uninterrupted and ended with self-doubt. Donard didn’t even know what to say to comfort her. At times like this, he has no eloquence and is resentful of himself. Does he have the right to comfort her in the first place?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just say what I wanted to say.”

She was in tears She had no face to see him. Her oath to protect her collapsed in vain, and she pressed his shoulders. What the hell did she do when she was suffering like this? Her heart aches Every drop of her tear was a dagger that pierced his chest. After hesitating, Donnar tried to offer words of comfort, but Sif spoke too quickly.

“Thank you for listening to me.”

She tells her not to say anything as if she draws a line between him and her.

“I have one last favor to ask of you.”

I thought Sif’s last words were like saying goodbye. Donnar took Sif’s outstretched hand and walked as she led. It occurred to her that she had to tidy up the brazier, but Donnar couldn’t let go of her hand. The place they arrived at was an empty carriage. This place, with only a small sheaf of straw remaining, was used as a food warehouse and was also the place where Truss was imprisoned, but now there is nothing.

When Donard wondered why she had been brought to such a place, with only the moonlight streaming through her window to illuminate the inside of the carriage. Sif undid the blanket he was covering up until now. And Donar was taken aback by what was revealed.

“You, have you been doing that all along?”

Sif’s outfit under the blanket was nothing but white underwear. Didn’t he say that he was almost naked, covered with a blanket, and talked to him outside? Even worrying for a moment, a man’s instinct is sad, and his gaze was caught by her skin, which vaguely reflected the moonlight. And the scars carved into the skin made him unable to take an eye. Her body was so full of scratches and bruises that she couldn’t help but pretend she didn’t know what her plate had done to her.

Among them, what stood out more than the scars that would have been formed through forced relationships were the scars that seemed to have been overlapped several times, as if the wounds had been re-injured before they had fully healed. Those masochistic scars on her spoke of how much she suffered. Even so, when he turned his head away, disgusted and distressed by her sexual desire to raise her head.

“Isn’t it so ugly that it’s hard to look at it?”

The bittersweet words of hers grabbed his head.

“It’s just that I’m not pregnant, but my body is no different from that of a worn-out prostitute.”

Sif was helping herself, but she doesn’t know. That her words were not to carve her wounds, her scars, only to herself.

“He’s good for just one time being fucked by him, so I thought he wished it was you and not him doing things like that with me.”

Even knowing that it was a foolish wish. His heart ached at Sif’s confession, like a festering wound from wear and tear. Sif doesn’t know. His expression hidden behind this helm, which always covers, protects, conceals, and makes him a trustworthy knight. Still, he knew as much as himself. Tears running down his own cheeks. Tears he can’t show to anyone.

“But it was also a stupid wish, right?”

He couldn’t listen to her any longer. He couldn’t let her laugh sadly, assuming that it couldn’t be done. He held his helmet with both hands. This bastard’s helmet had never been properly worn since adulthood because of the rules of his hometown. His hometown, Paciphenia, had made such good armor that he could wear it comfortably in real life, so he couldn’t even tell whether he was wearing it or not.

He never really took off his clothes except when he was in the shower. This armor was the shackles and prison that made them reliable soldiers and knights for the country and for someone unknown. Eventually, he took off the helmet he had grabbed and threw it back. With a thud, his empty helmet hit the wall of the carriage. The sound of rolling on the floor reverberated inside the carriage, and Sif looked at him with a startled face.

He didn’t know it when he was wearing it, but taking off the helmet like this made it clear that no matter how comfortable the armor was, it wasn’t as good as taking it off. He felt the fresh air he hadn’t smelled in a long time hit his face.

“Mr. Donard?”

Sif looked up blankly at his face as he took off his helmet. As he threw off his helmet, which he had never taken off before, the expressionless, blunt, trustworthy knight disappeared as if it had been made. Instead of him, what was left there was a man wearing ill-fitting armor and weeping uncontrollably, shedding tears like a child. He’s definitely a face you’ve seen several times when you’re eating. Why does it feel so strange? But the unfamiliar sensation did not dislike her.

If I said that I felt happy, wouldn’t he look at me strangely? When Sif is speechless at the sight of Donnar crying. He came to her without saying a word to her. Sif, who was distracted by his unfamiliar face and reacted a little late, was already in his arms when he realized. He only threw off her helm so that her bare skin touched his armor. The armor he was wearing was so cold that he thought it was made of ice. He has lived in such cold armor.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were going through such a terrible thing. Really I… Promised him to protect you.”

Beneath the knight’s armor, whom Sif had always considered trustworthy, was a man suffering from an unbearable sense of responsibility.

“I’m not as cool as you think. No matter how hard I try, I can’t protect even one person I love.”

At the confession that flowed from him as he cried, Sif opened his eyes wide with his heart pounding. Donarga, her helpless prison and who has been trying endlessly to be her wonderful knight to her, hiding her weak self within her armor. He had now partially freed the prison and was revealing his weak self in front of her. Sif could now realize that she had always wanted him to be a great knight without even knowing it. For him, her existence was another prison.

“What kind of face am I supposed to look at him and you?”

He wasn’t always like a trustworthy knight. He was just a pitiful man, bound by heavy responsibilities and unable to get out of his prison-like armor. She was fooling around with a man who was suffering so alone. Only then did Sif realize that she was always at the end of his gaze, just as his gaze never left Donnar. He was also of the same mind as her.

Even though they were always looking at each other, they were turning away from each other’s hearts. Because the wounds he was already holding were so great that he was too sick and afraid to bear the wounds of others together. When Sif broke the balance, Donnar also broke the wall. She hugged him and hugged him as he couldn’t even make a sound. For him who has lived a hard life, so that he can cry to his heart’s content.