Chapter 392 – The Sansuyu Tree (9)

I knew.

“Si-heon…?”

That Lee Si-heon’s condition was dire and there were considerable issues with his sense of self. The scene she witnessed every dawn still haunted her mind from time to time.

– Ugh, ah! Ah.

Shivering.

With trembling arms and legs, someone called out names in succession.

They would even embrace anything they could grasp in their hands. It was always her who found herself in Lee Si-heon’s arms due to his impulsive actions.

This man might have been fearful of the future that approached him. Until the trembling in his hands subsided, she could only think of holding onto him as he embraced her.

As Lee Si-heon’s mental state continued to deteriorate, Cornus, who was numbed to emotions, did not contemplate Lee Si-heon’s misfortune.

She merely recalled that she was of use to this person.

“……”

Blood streamed from Lee Si-heon’s nose, seeping through the cotton of the pillow and eventually reaching her hand. Sansuyu clenched the blanket tightly.

“…Si-heon.”

His breaths grew fainter and fainter.

Could he really die like this? The worrisome reality crept closer, leaving her feeling helpless in the face of mounting anxiety.

Anxiety—an inexplicable emotion, causing her heart to tremble and evoking a suffocating sensation. She couldn’t understand the reason her throat felt tight.

She had experienced a similar feeling when she lost her secretary, Sung Ji-ho. It was not an emotion, but a sensation. Not something her mind comprehended, but rather, her body guided her. Her tear glands were stimulated, tears flowed, her hands trembled incessantly, and for some reason, she yearned to be close to this person.

Being emotionally numb meant that somewhere, a screw was missing.

Even though she held something dear, she failed to recognize it.

Despite my body persistently sending signals, I dismissed them as mere abnormal symptoms.

Why is my body like this?
Why do I feel slightly relieved when I’m around this person?
I’m curious, but there’s no way to know.

Thus, I ignore it.
Thus, I let people slip away.
Time and again, I miss my chances.
Eventually, I fall too.

I don’t even recognize someone’s affection.
I’m unaware of my own inclinations.
Others grow increasingly frustrated.

The one most dissatisfied with me is, undoubtedly, myself.
If we both harbor numerous complaints… perhaps it’s better to part ways.
That’s how she lived.

*Thunk.*

Sansuyu lifted Lee Si-heon’s body with her feeble arms.
Although she exerted minimal strength, his bones resonated.

“…Enough.”

She whimpered, cradling his body in her arms, holding his head and lowering it to prevent blood from flowing into his airway.
Blood trickled down.

“Haah… Haah.”

Even the slightest movement left her gasping for breath.

The depleted stamina rapidly devoured his resolve.

“Si-heon… I must save you.”

And yet, he did not relent, exerting what little strength remained. She had few opportunities to repay the kindness she had received.

– Thump.

Being numb, not emotionless, means that feelings still exist, albeit faintly. With effort, one can discern them. However, each time the moment to grasp these emotions arose, the next experiment would commence. The thread of her elusive emotions would again drift away from her. This cycle repeated numerous times.

As death approached, she resigned herself to the fact that she would never understand emotions in her lifetime.

Consequently, the colors of the visible world vanished, and the meaning of life dissipated.

– Crash!

Desperate to remove the blood-soaked blanket from beneath Lee Si-heon, she drew on her remaining strength. Overpowered by her own efforts, Cornus toppled backward.

Sansuyu managed to catch Lee Si-heon as he was on the verge of collapsing, disregarding the blood that began to pool in her chest.
The warmth of her opponent’s forehead.
Wishing for him to feel relief, she gently stroked his head with her soft touch.

*Drip.*

Yet the blood kept flowing.
Her body grew colder, as if she was drifting away from herself.
Moments before, they had been laughing and joking together.
She had felt as though she was going to die, but now she could move her body.

Would he give everything and leave her first?

*Thud.*

Her heart sank as that thought crossed her mind.

Once again, she felt an unfamiliar and distant sensation.
It was as if the inside of her right breast had been scooped out with a large spoon.
The terror of falling into an endless, bottomless abyss.

‘Again…’

She didn’t understand why this was happening.
There was no way to know.

Cornus, crouching down, struggled for breath. Desperate to regain her composure, she clung to Lee Si-heon’s body.

– Thump, thump, thump, thump!!

The sound of her heart grew louder and louder. A sudden surge of emotion welled up within her, as if something within her diaphragm was being pulled and then burst forth.

She felt worse than when she experienced nausea. At least then, she could find relief by vomiting. But there was no way to express this overwhelming lack she felt. All she wanted was to curl up and let it pass.

Yet the strange reactions didn’t stop there. Her temples throbbed, and the fine hairs at the nape of her neck stood on end. Her broken fingernails, cracked from a fall while trying to move, felt warmer than usual.

Her entire body seemed to be desperately trying to communicate something to her.

– Thump, thump. Her heart pounded heavily against her ribs.

She felt as if she was being cast adrift in the world, all alone. That sensation.

“Enough.”

Cornus buried her face into Lee Si-heon’s shoulder, her mind blank.

Even on the brink of death, the scent of another’s flesh persisted. As I embraced this person, my body found a modicum of solace.

I still don’t understand. I cannot grasp what others refer to as the heart.

Sansuyu’s emotions, unfelt since her childhood, remained elusive. A heart that had faded and grown cold.

And yet, despite abandoning her emotions, there was no fault in her choices. Her actions were always for the sake of others.

* * * * * * * *

Crash!

Once again, I found myself on the ground today.

Sansuyu’s body, precariously kneeling where the chairs were piled, dramatically tumbled to the floor.

The porridge I had barely managed to prepare spilled all over the ground.

“……”

Sansuyu was inept at managing household affairs. Every day, family servants and secretaries attended to her needs, leaving her little opportunity to improve her skills.

She scoured the internet, but all she could find were instructions for electric rice cookers. Sansuyu was unable to locate the pressure cooker resting atop the cupboard. All she had were a pot, rice, and water. It seemed she might not even be capable of cooking rice properly.

“Si-heon is going to be the death of me…”

The rice was undercooked and hard, making her wonder whether she was chewing on raw grains or drinking water as she ate.

Creating even this meager dish was an ordeal. Unable to use her legs, she whimpered, moving her chair closer to the stove, turning on the gas, and cooking the porridge in the pot. Each time she approached the refrigerator, she had to lean against something, swaying unsteadily as she struggled to her feet.

Asking for help was futile; she was limited to searching the internet. Lee Si-heon hadn’t awoken for a week already.

Rumors of war raged beyond the walls of her home. Yet, for Sansuyu, this mundane existence was a war in and of itself.

Still, a glimmer of bright yellow hope continued to bloom.

It was a significant improvement compared to the time she had nearly burnt the house down.

As Sansuyu cleaned the floor, she consistently peeked out to check Lee Si-heon’s complexion.

“Are you alright?”

Wide open.

“You seem fine.”

Now she was able to manage well on her own.

The bathroom and shower that she couldn’t use without Lee Si-heon’s help were now manageable by herself.

“…Why are you turning your head away?”
“Should I be watching you pee, then?”
“…Wipe me, please.”
“…Sigh, just wait a moment.”

Lee Si-heon used to glance at the moon every time he went to the bathroom. Now, she no longer needed his assistance. It was all thanks to the treatment that had lasted for over a month.

*Clatter*

Sansuyu cleaned up the spilled porridge and tidied the tableware. No matter what she tried, the black residue in the pot wouldn’t come off. With her lips pursed, Sansuyu scrubbed the floor and tapped her tense shoulder several times.

Cooking was, indeed, a challenge.

In truth, even if porridge were prepared, Lee Si-heon was unable to consume any food. Feeding him porridge in such a faint state would only make him ill.

The reason she made porridge every day was because she didn’t know when Lee Si-heon would awaken. It was best to have something ready for him to eat whenever he awoke.

‘…Si-heon, what did you do?’

Sansuyu thought back to the time when she had fainted. Even if it seemed impossible, she must have had her eyes closed for over a week. Despite not eating or drinking anything, she had managed to survive unscathed.

She knew that an ordinary person could die in three days without water. No matter how superhuman Lee Si-heon was, if he didn’t eat anything, he would quickly become weak.

Nutritional supplements… Sansuyu couldn’t obtain them.

She did her best to at least give him water, but it was far from easy.

“Si-heon. Water!”

With his name on her lips, she crawled onto the bed.

After removing the cap from a 500ml bottle of water and placing Lee Si-heon’s head on her lap, Cornus gently let the water flow.

“Cough, cough!”
“…Are you okay?”

Naturally, getting someone to drink water this way isn’t easy. However, by repeating the process, Lee Si-heon managed to swallow small amounts of water. It was definitely not water torture.

After providing some hydration, Cornus washed their clothes and cleaned Lee Si-heon’s body, doing for him what she had done for herself.

At times, her eyes widened as she noticed the differences between male and female body parts, but she wasn’t particularly interested. Lee Si-heon’s life was her priority.

Every morning, Cornus closed her eyes with this thought in mind, although she didn’t get much sleep.

*Click.*

She turned off the lights to ensure Lee Si-heon could sleep soundly and sat beside him, quietly watching over him as he rested his head on the pillow.

After all, if he were to wake up while she slept, she would have many tasks to attend to.

After a week of performing household chores with limbs that refused to obey her, Sansuyu came to understand two things.

One was that the work she was now undertaking proved to be more arduous, bothersome, and demanding than she had anticipated. The other was her realization of Lee Si-heon’s kindness – how he had shouldered these tasks without complaint and had, in fact, only ever offered her a smile.

Yet, her questions remained unanswered. As Lee Si-heon slept, Sansuyu decided it was time to voice the doubts that had plagued her.

“I… I don’t understand any of it.”

She couldn’t make sense of the current situation. How he had saved her from death, and risked his own life in the process.

“Still, because Si-heon told me to live… I somehow endured. But I’m so curious.”

Not being able to comprehend it all likely pertained to emotions. Just as her secretary had met death before her very eyes, Lee Si-heon must have had his reasons.

“Why… Why did you struggle so?”

With a determined motion, she gently brushed aside her bangs with her fingers. Her cold visage appeared resolute, as if prepared to leave her side any moment.

“If only I could have lived better than I did.”

The darkness could not obscure the sight. The contours and expressions of the face before her shone with a soft, colorful hue in her eyes.

The warmth enveloped within her hands, the voice that brushed against her ears.

When Cornus first awoke after overcoming the brink of death, she could only whine like a child. Her mind was overwhelmingly focused, and her thoughts were in disarray.

Now, she could see how much he had sacrificed for her.

The question was, “Why?”

It was all too complicated. Everything was twisted and tangled, a comprehension once abandoned.

In Cornus’s brain, the part responsible for emotions had actually diminished. Whether it was the effect of the drugs or not, many other aspects failed to perform their roles adequately.

A disability…

In truth, that was the case.

-Swoosh.

Her warm breath escaped her lips and brushed against Lee Si-heon’s forehead.

Looking back, this man had gradually drawn closer. At first, when he showed interest in Si-heon’s sword and imitated it, Si-heon was simply astonished. As they shared unique experiences, they quickly became friends.

Si-heon had no choice but to accept the inexplicable changes occurring within his own body. When he asked for a reason, no satisfactory answer was given. The response was that they were friends, and thus precious to one another. But could this truly be the only reason?

Si-heon wasn’t even sure what being “precious” truly meant. He often used the word, confidently declaring that this person, as well as his secretary and their family, were all precious. Yet, he struggled to genuinely comprehend the depth of the sentiment.

‘This, in and of itself, is a mistake.’

He had received kindness, but he failed to appreciate it. He couldn’t understand the desperation of others.

It was unforgivable, and he knew he must struggle against it.

Sansuyu extended her hand to Lee Si-heon several times, attempting to grasp the faintly emanating hues.
She embraced him around the neck and lowered her head.

Lee Si-heon’s lips brushed against Sansuyu’s cheek. His long hair obscured his entire face.
Words that still breathed but never returned.

Is this person precious to me?
Have I ever extended such a favor to someone?
If so, what emotions did I feel at that time?

She posed questions and sought answers.

In truth, she felt as if anxiety would consume her even now.

“Please.”

For the first time, Sansuyu gradually peeled away her own defenses.
She brought her hands together, trying earnestly to pray.

Still, the landscape remained untouched.
The colorless world delivered a cold pat on her back.

“Our Suyu did well.”
“But I was always scolded, and I made many mistakes last time too.”

Nevertheless.

“Mom believes our Suyu is doing a good job.”
“Am I doing well?”

– So~ Sansuyu is much better at this than Dad.

She shuddered from a severe headache. The sensation, numbed from the fingertips, was paralyzed as if she were a corpse.

– It will all come back someday.

There were too many voices passing through her mind. Some were cold, and others warm. Sansuyu picked out all the words she had longed to hear in between them. The forgotten memories of her mother slowly returned.

– It’s okay. Take it slow. Breathe deeply.

“Shhh… Haaah…”

She inhaled and exhaled. The familiar scent within the embrace of the man grew stronger. She missed him terribly. The intense longing welled up, cutting through her hazy memories and flitting across her mind.

A single tear formed at the corner of her eye and trickled down. It was the first time she felt moisture in her eyes.

– Tch.

It was then that the man in her embrace stopped breathing.