Chapter 593 – Contrition

The fervent tea had nearly cooled in conjunction with our shared warmth when I unburdened myself of the truths I had long concealed from Se-Young.

The rationale for my unavoidable pact with the Crown three years prior, and the revelation that, in accordance with this agreement, the prevailing regime must crumble and this land be unified once more.

I made it known that all events up until this point were the fruit borne of my extreme resolution to forfeit my life.

“So, you truly died then?”
“In truth, yes.”

Upon my confession, Se-Young’s face flushed crimson, her hand firmly clasping my cheek.

“One more strike.”
“….”

*Thwack!*

A fist flew and sunk into my countenance.

I absorbed every blow from Se-Young, persisting with my words.

“Even at that time—”

*Thwack!*

“This was the only—”

*Thud!*

“—cough, solution I foresaw.”

It was an essential sacrifice to garner three years of respite.

Although successful, it concluded in driving Se-Young’s psyche to its brink.

“Did you only torment me, you bastard?”

No, it was everyone.

There was nothing to say to Se-Young, Dallae, and Byeol.

My actions were simultaneously borne of selfish choice and a desire to protect, a conduct too complex for others to comprehend. I yearned for these deeds to remain undisclosed even as I committed them.

‘Acts like these’: entwining with someone other than my lover, even finding pleasure within that union. I fled from such a topic without neatly addressing the relationship.

Even then, I was tormented by this paradox. To fulfill the contract, I was bound to betray my lover, yet perversely, I yearned for encouragement and love.

Under the urgency of time, I covered my tracks from them.

The response was anticipated. The ruse of death, a savage cut to the heart, was effective, yet I had not considered their emotional turmoil.

Hold on, that’s inconsistent. Did I not consider their feelings yet anticipate a reaction?

‘What am I contemplating?’

So to summarize…

“……”

To summarize, some have labeled me a madman over the years. The issue is that I’ve been unable to refute that.

How many more must I drive to ruin? To reach the end, how many sacrifices and emotional tolls must I endure?

I, too, am broken. Do you know when I came to this realization? It was the moment I understood the philosophy of the courtesans, who sold themselves for mere pennies in a brothel, all the while murmuring about romance.

“……”

These mortifying experiences, how can I express them?

The head fills with a disgusting deluge of contradictions, each one seething along the creases of my brain.

Sensing the heat that had sunk into his consciousness, he drew a breath, trying to restore his tranquility. Her face flushed in response. His hands trembled from the shame. The guilt, ceaseless and overwhelming, nudged the tip of his tongue, urging an apology.

“…Lee Si-heon.”

It would be easy to receive forgiveness. After all, he had been in a situation where any misstep was excusable.

Within that fleeting time, he had become someone’s father. He had committed deeds that couldn’t be undone, held her close, suckled at her breast. Contrasting his matured body, his already pitiful humanity seemed to be deteriorating even more. All these changes were the result of his decisions, ones that nobody had asked for. Who was there to blame?

“Hey.”
“?”
“Breathe. Deep breaths. Slowly.”

As he realized, Se-Young was holding his hand. Her gentle warmth filled his eyes.

His veins pulsed, the taste of iron strong in his mouth.

“It’s okay. Hey. Your girlfriend says she’ll forgive you. No matter what you do, huh? Why are you worrying so intensely? Did you not think you were raping a woman the moment you got here?”

Se-Young, her eyes swollen and her demeanor heavy, patted his head.

“My body is restless, and I’m still as foolish as ever….”
“….”
“Why are you like this? Huh?”

He had to apologize. It was only right to apologize…

But even if he sought forgiveness here, he would continue to disappoint this person. That meant there was no hope for improvement.

In a relationship that stretches on, forgiveness is a privilege only for those who have the potential for improvement. If one cannot change, seeking forgiveness becomes nothing more than deception. Admitting your wrongs and pleading for forgiveness requires this understanding.

He wouldn’t hide behind comforting words anymore. But was conveying the truth this difficult?

Among the reasons he had not shown his face until now was the shame he had mentioned. Knowing that his actions were unforgivable, he intended to delay his explanation as much as possible. Indeed, doing so had protected his loved ones, and that made the situation bearable and eased his conscience.

“I…”

Even though he had become a hero to millions, he was a villain to those closest to him.

The more praise he received, the smaller he felt. He had rarely found opportunities to shake off that feeling.

So, just once, while this spirit lingered, he decided to speak up. He held Se-Young’s hand and drew a breath.

“…I’m sorry.”

Even though he knew he didn’t deserve to utter those words. The one to dispute that right was not him.

Once he had laid out this cursed fate in its entirety, he would face whatever hatred came his way.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The moon, akin to an oar traversing the Milky Way, always traces a curve, sinking with my consciousness before the sun’s dawn.
Once the fleeting sleep on the motel bed departs, an unsettling void pervades, making the taste of the subsequent cigarette bitterer.

-“Another round? Do you still have stamina left, brother?”

Since the creation of this new persona, I’ve been ensnared in a routine of thrice a day, selecting and embracing a woman.

-“…I’m the only woman here who has a mark on her neck. Why on earth would you ask about Sujong?”

I had anticipated a certain degree of adaptation, but this distasteful practice feels intolerable now.

‘…Damn it.’

The mental torment endured for that scant handful of magical power.
Yet the reality of becoming increasingly addicted to pleasure was profoundly repugnant.

With every meaningless thrust of the pelvis, tension coiled in my lower back, my facial expression would shift. The mirror reflected an unsightly libertine.
Immediately after, I face an identity crisis, my persona blurring,
If things proceed as such, any mistake would be a catastrophic one. I detest the sight, always shrouding the mirror.

【The king should bed more women. If you cannot, do not dream of donning the crown. 】

This persistent voice incessantly grates on my nerves.
I wish this incessantly nagging brat would keep quiet for once.

【 So what? 】

So what, you bastard.

Despite my habitual swearing, at this moment, I’m plunged into an indescribable lethargy, unable to muster any response.

The fleeting 30-minute encounters, persisting before and after meals.
Shaking, gripping, squeezing. I couldn’t think clearly, drenched in the addictive substances bubbling in my brain.

‘Undoubtedly.’

The pleasure I had derived from relationships thus far wasn’t of this nature.

Scratching my head and flinging it back to cool my heated brow.

“…I want to stop.”

With every breath, the fragrances of numerous women seep out. The memory engulfs me every time I close my mouth and swallow, to the point I desire to slash my tongue with a blade.

“I won’t do it,” I’ve pledged countless times, yet upon waking, the stale scent of those women always lingered.

I feel my body being sullied moment by moment.
No matter how fervently I wash, the memories persist, and my skin prickles where their bodies have made contact.
Rather, there were no such side effects when I was engaged with the trees.
Instead, an unfathomable rage surges, and in that moment, I’m ensnared by an ineffable sadistic pleasure.

“…….”

If I continue in this wretched state,
Would it be possible for me to mingle with them once I return to my regular life?

Blame is the only recourse. The duties befitting the vessel of the crown were of this despicable nature.

“…Ugh. Damn it.”

After purging my meal into the toilet bowl, I need to confront the ensuing emptiness that lodges in my chest.

Even so, the surge of magic, more potent than yesterday, zeros in on the deeds yet to come, injecting a sense of certainty.

Three months of this now.

Yesterday, whispers spread through the industry.

They reject me, fearing the countenance I bear during our carnal encounters. All the while, I’ve been resisting the allure of pleasure, focusing on absorbing strength for as long as I can. Women, they can be sourced from elsewhere, but a cloud of gloom descends upon realizing that I have become a pariah, even to the seasoned veterans of this trade.

[Arboreal Codex]

“A long road yet lies ahead.”

Sifting through the lexicon Tae-yang had given me, I check off the species of the woman I had been with the night before.

– Quadrangle.

Frustration takes hold as the ink from the ballpoint pen refuses to adhere to the page, and I shatter it in irritation.

What’s left is training. Plunging into the dungeon and immersing myself in its grueling demands.

Then, the cycle repeats. Sex. Training. Sex. Training.

“……”

– Thud, thud.

My heart pounds violently, leaving me gasping for breath. I curl up on the bed, staring blankly at the world outside for what feels like an eternity, resisting the urge to scream as I rake my face with my nails, hard enough to leave marks.

I recall my master’s face. A wave of calm sweeps over me, momentarily easing the tension. When my mind drifts to my daughter’s smile, my teeth clench involuntarily.

‘So much latent potential, yet it’s not enough.’

Thus must I overcome all. Only then can I cease this wretched existence. However, the fear of breaking before that end is terrifying.

I discard the shattered pen and reach for another, intending to pour my thoughts onto the paper, but I toss it aside. I had contemplated recording these days in a diary, yet even the thought of documenting this abhorrent existence is unbearable now.

“……”

A longing for the one I love threatens to drive me mad. Yet, I am as good as dead.

Those people will undoubtedly yearn for me more intensely, enduring far greater pain. Hence, I must grow stronger, faster. That is the only way to reunite with them.

‘…More. Faster.’

The more I think, the more daunting the questions that arise. What if, despite all my strength, no one spares me a second glance in the end?

– Whish.

Tears betray my emotional state, flowing freely at times I can’t predict.

Such a pitiful vessel. Having transcended boundaries, it’s ridiculous that I can’t control a single emotion.

– Smack! Smack!

I slap my cheeks to regain composure, striking until they swell with the sting.

“Don’t be weak, don’t be weak. I am a wretched cur. I am a wretched cur…”

Despite my assertions, the anxiety refuses to dissipate.

It’s peculiar. I was the one who made this choice, so why am I the one plagued with the most uncertainty? The thought of this appalling contradiction fills me with loathing.

I open the codex and scan through its contents in the blink of an eye.

‘The remaining entries in the codex….’

At least a few thousand. Including the arboreal species, even more.

Should I continue to feel guilt with each and every sexual encounter, I am certain I would crumble midway. Already sullied physically, if my mind were to fracture too, nothing could be accomplished. If death were truly to claim me, then all my efforts would be in vain.

Even if I should be despised…

`…`

I realized the necessity to further suppress these emotions I’m experiencing.

“Emotions?”

Yes, emotions.

`If I could selectively destroy a part of my brain… wouldn’t that be possible?`

Although I may not possess the capability, a sage might be able to partially obliterate someone else’s neurotic structure. After all, I am endowed with the power to heal, so temporarily damaging it and repairing it thereafter should be possible…

`Ugh.`

I cease my perilous thoughts that have reached such a precipice. What if it becomes irreversible? This strategy must be conserved solely as a last resort.

`If only it could be regulated with medication.`

I yearn to rely on that prospect right now. I subtly inquired the sage about drugs, and he implied that they might induce permanent changes.

Whether the sage is contemplating a medication that manages these emotions, or a different kind of drug, I remain unsure.

“Sigh… Phew.”

Currently, all I can do is pray for a successful outcome. My impotence fills me with intense loathing.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Unearthing all memories and implanting them is quite a challenge.

The emotions I felt back then and the self-restraint that was demanded of me. Revealing my self-condemnation was a task of immense difficulty.

I described it in a dry, detached manner. That I cannot change at present. That I must harness this force somehow and use whatever I can as a stepping stone for my growth.

“…”

Yet, a warped smile inevitably forms throughout this process.

“Hey…”

– Thud.

“Crying, are you? Are you a crybaby?”

Much like that moment three years ago, my breath becomes erratic and tears fall from my eyes. As the matters I had momentarily shelved resurface, sobbing and gasping, a flustered Se-Young embraces me.

I feel overwhelming remorse. With this damned body of mine,

Unable to abandon that filthy act,
Even taking perverse pleasure in it.

Thus, I’ve gone as far as candidly wishing she’d abandon me here and flee. As the leader of the crows, she would certainly be capable of protecting the three of them. I, too, pledged to do my utmost.

In the midst of the discourse, words became jumbled, taking on an odd texture, yet Se-Young remained impassive, absorbing them with unperturbed equanimity.

“…Is that everything?”

Her head bobbed in agreement as she released a breath. My impure exhalation brushed against Se-Young’s cheek. A rash seemed ready to erupt on her skin, and I yearned to soothe it with my hands, but my arms refused to obey.

Upon realizing my twisted emotions, I permitted them a fleeting moment of exposure, conveying an apology. Not a plea for forgiveness, but rather, recognition of a due act.

“…Huh.”

Se-Young expelled a breath that hinted at relief, following it with a significant touch on my back.

Shortly after, a phrase from her found its way to my ear.