Chapter 73 – Purgatory (2)

The day after receiving Azalea’s Kakao Talk message.

Having rented a room the previous day and spent the night with the teacher, I packed enough belongings for a few days at the dormitory, informed White Peach, and arrived at the bar on time.

– Squeak.

“Ah”

A voice, seemingly strained for days, resonated as soon as I entered the grill house.

The distinct smell of oil filled my nostrils. Azalea, seated in the inner part of the establishment, gazed at me with a dazed expression as I entered. Her eyes seemed unfocused, and she offered a twisted, awkward smile.

“Have you arrived?”

A voice filled with delight.
However, the tone was exceedingly unsettling. Her dilated pupils appeared to have lost their light, dimly clouded.

What on earth had transpired? Sensing the oddity of the situation, I sat down and examined Azalea’s complexion.

Azalea had changed significantly.

A deeply cut white off-the-shoulder blouse. Her ample upper breasts protruded vulnerably from the sunken chest bone, and the underwear straps that rose above her shoulders were loosely undone.

An attire she would never have worn under normal circumstances. What could have prompted this? Her expression was that of someone in ruins, to the point where I hesitated to even ask why.

“Why did you call me?”

I asked as tenderly as possible.

“I just thought maybe we could have a drink.”

A casual response, but her expression grew even darker. Dalrae fiddled with the rim of the soju glass with her fingers.

Round and round.

Two empty soju bottles were placed next to her delicate arm. She must have arrived earlier and drank before I came. Then, a water bottle knocked over by her hand spilled onto the table.

“Ah.”

Dalrae let out a brief exclamation, took a handkerchief from her handbag, and wiped the table. She then offered a discreet apology.

“I’m sorry. I feel hazy today, perhaps because of the medicine I took.”
“Medicine?”
“Psychiatric medication. It’s a condition that arose from me doing foolish things on my own.”

Azalea’s face, which playfully stuck out her tongue and smiled, had turned cold and pale.

“Hey. You should rest a bit. Let’s stop drinking and get up.”
“Please, sit down.”

As I tried to urgently help her up, Azalea pressed down on my hand that was attempting to lift her, and spoke softly.

“There’s a lot I want to say.”

Having said that much already, could I really blame her for not being in the best state?

I sat back down and silently drank a glass of soju.
The bitter soju stung the inside of my throat.

“You…”

Always showing respect.
Yet, the weight of her words was different.

“Why did you try so hard?”
“What?”
“…I’m talking about that time.”

A pitiful request to be friends. A remarkable achievement driven by that single desire.

But there were circumstances there that couldn’t be explained with words alone.
It was because of the quest. I tried to speak the truth honestly, but I couldn’t open my mouth.

“Why me…?”

Indeed.

Why did it have to be you? If I had chosen someone else as my friend, I might have taken a much more comfortable path. For example, with swimming, or whatever the secret plan was, if I approached Gu-seul honestly, I could have become a true friend with her, always receiving a warm smile.

So when Se-Young asked me why I chose Azalea, I couldn’t help but be embarrassed.

To be honest, at that time I was…

“Strangely, I only thought of you.”

I pursued her as if I was possessed by something.

In the World Tree’s quest, her favorability rating was embedded as if to get closer to Azalea. Naturally, I targeted her.

Because of a crush?

That’s not it. I don’t know now, but the feelings I had back then were not of fondness. Rather, I might have felt a sense of aversion because her appearance and personality resembled my ex-girlfriend from the previous world.

“Is that not a reason?”

A lullaby played through the window. My gaze had been drawn to it unintentionally. In a way, you could call it contrived…

– Drip.

The sound of water falling snapped me out of my reverie. I looked forward once more and soon rose in surprise.

“Why?”

An embarrassing question escaped my dry lips.

“Do you like me?”
“Uh, what?”
“If you don’t like me, then why? Who would risk their life for such a reason?”

Silence enveloped the inside of the bar.

– What’s going on?
– Isn’t that Dalrae and Siheon?

The cadets’ murmurs spread in waves, and curious staff members peeked their heads out of the kitchen like turtles, wondering what had happened.

Only then did Azalea realize her mistake, wiping away tears as she slumped into her seat. Her emotions had been particularly turbulent today.

“What happened?”

“It’s nothing… I just did something crazy.”

Upon seeing Azalea quickly blaming herself, I glanced around the bustling surroundings and let out a sigh.

“Excuse me, what’s the matter?”

“Nothing. Please, charge it to this.”

I handed my card to the clerk who approached to inquire about the situation and spoke to Azalea, who was watching me.

“Shall we go for a walk?”

– Nod.

Azalea silently bobbed her head in agreement.

– Ding-a-ling.

“Thank you~ Please come again.”

Having settled the bill, we left the store and began to slowly stroll through the streets. The early summer night air circled around us, a lonely presence.

– Step by step.

Azalea clung close to my back, following behind me with small, quick steps.

Azalea’s pale, exposed shoulders slumped beneath the shadow of the telephone pole, as if defeated.

What could I possibly say to console her? I racked my brain, but no answer emerged. After all, how could I, someone who didn’t even know the nature of her worries, offer any comfort? I would be lucky not to inadvertently step on a landmine.

No matter how many times I pondered, I couldn’t find the right words. All I could do was take a step forward and wait for her to gather her thoughts.

*Trudging along.*

After walking for some time, I heard a choked sob coming from behind me.

“There’s something I must apologize for.”

Her voice, now free of the alcohol’s influence, carried as much genuine emotion as when she had screamed earlier.

*Thump.*

When I stopped, Azalea’s head bumped against my back.

“I’m sorry—”

“—for thinking you were hateful when we first met… for cursing you as ugly…”

A desperate plea spilling from her lips.
I couldn’t ignore the emotions that lingered there.

An obsession I had felt for days. Psychiatric medication. In her voice, so fragile it seemed it might shatter if prodded, I sensed a reluctance to be even slightly apart from me.

“I thought it was a nuisance… I just wished something would happen…”

A heartfelt apology. Yet, the kind that only worsens one’s mood upon hearing it. Perhaps these were feelings that should have remained hidden deep within, but Azalea laid them all bare before me.

“I dismissed your attempt to help me as nonsense…”

Those words, raw and unfiltered emotions, were not easily accepted.

Merely whining. An outsider might have brushed it off as such. How much easier it would have been if I could do the same.

I pursed my lips, the taste bitter.

I didn’t rinse my mouth, so the sharp smell of alcohol still lingered inside.

“Trying to use everyone else…”

She revealed stories that had nothing to do with me.

“All of them.”

Was she talking to me? Or was she trying to rid herself of the guilt that weighed her down? If it was the latter, I could tell that her sense of guilt was intense.

When guilt crosses a line,

“It’s okay.”

“There’s no way… it’s not.”

In the end, she even denied the feelings of others.

“Don’t pretend you’re okay… Just hit me. It seems like it would ease your mind.”

There was little I could do in this situation.

Ignoring her and completely shutting her out, letting her make extreme choices driven by her depression without caring. There was nothing irresponsible about that. After all, Azalea was someone else. The treatment I received from her was reason enough to distance myself.

That was easier.

It was comfortable, but I didn’t want that. Depression is difficult to endure, and I’m old enough to know that.

“Hey.”
“…Yes.”
“Offer me your cheek.”

As Azalea raises her hand, she closes her eyes and leans her face towards me. In truth, there aren’t many ways to make someone believe they’ve been forgiven.

“Hmm.”

Azalea’s face flinches, her eyebrows full of resolve quivering.

I spread my palm and lightly tap Azalea’s cheek.

“…”

If she so desires.

I bite my palm once and then slap her cheek hard enough to make a sound.

*Crack!*

Her head jerks violently.

Her cheeks burn bright red. Tears flow from the corners of Azalea’s tightly shut eyes. I embrace her head as her cheeks visibly throb with heat.

“Believe me if you’re going to believe.”
“…Sob.”

Azalea buries her face in her chest and begins to weep uncontrollably. I hope that she can at least alleviate some guilt from the pain she just experienced.

“*Sob, hiccup, sniff*”

Gently, I brush through Azalea’s pale pink hair with my stinging right hand, the heat now subsiding.

I let her cry fora long while.

As her sobs slowly start to lessen, I ask Azalea once more:

“Have you calmed down?”

She nods.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize how hard it was for you. I was too busy to pay attention.”

She shakes her head.

As she lowers her face, I notice my clothes are stained with makeup and tear marks.

“Why are you using black mascara? It’s made my clothes all dirty.”

“Is there any mascara that isn’t black…?”

“Ah, I see.”

I pat her on the shoulder once. After seating the exhausted Azalea on a nearby bench, I fetch an electrolyte drink from a vending machine.

As I returned and saw his tear-streaked face, I couldn’t help but speak to him.

“Raise your head.”

Obediently, Azalea lifted her face. Using a tissue I had swiped from the bar, I wiped away the smudged makeup, then pulled an energy drink from my pocket and smiled.

“Drink this. Be sure to repay me later.”

It was the best comfort I could provide. Azalea accepted the drink, staring blankly at the can and my face.

Then, blushing, she gave a single sniffle.

“Ah…uh.”

Setting the can down beside her, she covered her face with both hands.

“Does it still hurt? Did I hit you too hard?”
“No, it’s not that. Uh…”

I had indeed struck her quite hard. Even now, my hand still throbbed from the impact. As I leaned in closer, Azalea drew back, maintaining her distance.

Her cheeks flushed a bright red as she glanced at me.

“Why are you acting like this all of a sudden…?”

Azalea, who turned her body so that I couldn’t see her face, began to mutter to herself while pressing her hand against her chest.

Her actions didn’t stop there. She fiddled with her ear a few times, placed her hand on her collarbone, and repeated these gestures several times before turning back to me.

“You know… it’s over there.”

A word that seemed to reflect deep contemplation. Her slightly opened eyes wavered as they met mine.

Her dry lips moved hesitantly, as though she wanted to say something, but then she closed her mouth tightly.

“Huh?”

I asked. She didn’t respond, only offering a wry smile with her fingers interlocked.

“It’s nothing.”

I stared blankly at her natural smile, then replied with a smile of my own.

It was a night with a faint aroma of alcohol.