Chapter 11 *Toraga's Point of View

I never knew what love was.

I thought that the love I received from my parents at birth was just a fairy tale to me, and that it didn't really exist.

I know that I was not born with a wish.

The difference in the way my parents treated me and my brother was different for everyone to see.

I wanted love. I wanted a life where someone loved me.

Not just verbal love. Not half-hearted love.

I wanted the kind of free love that parents give to their children.

But as I grew up, I realized that there was no such thing.

–So when he first appeared, I thought it was an illusion created by my desire.

At first, I didn't know what was happening.

The woman in front of me looked at me and told me she loved me with tears in her eyes.

I had been told by many women that they loved me, but for some reason, her words went straight to my heart.

I thought the words that came out of her mouth were the kind of confession I had never heard before, even when I remembered my past. It could have been the ravings of a crazy woman. I've never seen or dealt with a woman like this. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was thinking that she might be a creepy stalker, but every word she said was exactly what I wanted to hear.

Maybe that's why. The woman ran away from in front of me, but I couldn't move except to watch her shrinking back.

–Thank you for being born.

I heard it over and over again in my head.

I had never been told such a thing in all my life. I was born on a whim of my parents, and after that, it was just some nonsense that existed around here. I have never been thanked for being born.

I had always been unable to feel that I was alive, but the words of this stranger made me feel that I was alive.

I felt a warmth in my chest, something that I could not get from a fight or from being in skin-to-skin contact with a woman, and for the first time I could only clench my fists tightly, unable to understand the feeling.

From that day on, I found myself looking for that woman.

It was not that I was trying to find her. It was just that my eyes were looking for her.

I wanted to talk to her again. I wondered why she had said what she had said to me, whether she had been asked to do it by someone else, whether there was something more to it. I knew that what the woman said on the rooftop was not something that someone made her say. But I really wanted to find out. Maybe she would give me what I wanted. I should have given up hoping for that a long time ago, but I felt that feeling that had been smoldering in my chest become a small fire that gradually grew bigger and bigger.

I knew that I was the one who would be hurt by my expectations, and that I would be the one who would regret it later. I knew. I had experienced it.

But I guess I wasn't ready to give up. The warmth I felt in my chest the other day confirmed it.

When I found the woman, I felt my brain tremble with happiness.

I chased after her, determined not to let her escape, and succeeded in forcing her to talk to me.

I would never have chased after a woman who was running away, but I strongly felt later that my actions at that time were not wrong.

I thought the woman was crazy, but she was even crazier than I had imagined.

I was amazed at how she could come up with so many words one after another. Moreover, every word out of her mouth was about me. There was no talk about anything but me. She talked only about me.

He doesn't force his ideals on me, he doesn't expect me to do anything, he just acknowledges my existence. He saw me as a human being. His confession, which seemed unusual, and his love gradually entered my empty vessel. That's probably why my true feelings came out.

I wanted more of his words. I wanted his eyes to look only at me.

I felt that he was nothing more than a convenient toy for me, and I didn't want to give it to anyone else.

Every word he said was comforting. No matter what he did, he never complained about me, but accepted me and focused on me. I was happy to have that toy in my hands.

And all of his actions were overflowing with my love. He reacted abnormally to my slightest touch and shed tears. It is easy to lie with words, but it takes a lot of acting skills to make his face turn red and his hands shake.

I knew it wasn't an act because he looked like an idiot.

At first I was satisfied with that. But gradually, I felt my thoughts changing as I began to feel more and more emotions that I did not know existed.

I learned that I enjoyed casual conversation.

I learned that a simple greeting was pleasing.

I thought it was amazing that he gave me so much love even though I couldn't give anything back to him.

My thirsty heart was moistened. But when I thought about the time when I would lose it, I felt such fear that I couldn't move as if my body froze. I was afraid to imagine that guy talking to another guy.

I knew the feeling of fear of losing him. But I felt as if the love I had never felt before would someday strike me as a huge, unknowable terror.

Yet, once you know the love of another person, it is like an addictive drug that makes you want it over and over again. No matter how much I receive, it is never enough. My heart cries out for more. Even though I am already satisfied.

Each time, I called him. It didn't matter if it was in the middle of the night or not, especially after a fight.

Do you know how many times he saved my life by getting up and answering the phone for me even though I was asleep?

So that day, when I saw him walking shoulder to shoulder with a man I didn't know, holding an umbrella, I felt a shock as if I had been hit on the head with a blunt instrument.

I was so selfish, I thought. I had been filling my heart with his love and receiving what I couldn't get in terms of human skin from him from another woman.

She could have complained, but she didn't say anything. He said that he approves of everything I do. That should have made me happy, but sometimes it made me sad.

I felt like an idiot for falling in love with someone like him, for someone like me. There are better men out there. Why did he choose me? I felt like an idiot.

I was afraid that if I stayed by her side, her beautiful eyes and pure heart would someday become dirty.

He thought I was some kind of god or something. At first I only thought he was an idiot, but now I think I understand his feelings.

Somewhere along the way, he, whom I had thought of as a toy, took on human form and wrapped himself around me.

After I realized this, I could no longer think of him as a convenient toy.

That's probably why I told him before it was too late. I told him before it was too late that I was taking advantage of your feelings.

If he said that to me, he might reject me. Still, I'm glad that my heart is full enough right now to let him go….

And yet, he suppressed his feelings and said it was okay if he could stay by my side.

He really is an idiot.

And I'm an idiot.

I know that my desire to have him by my side is not a romantic feeling. It's just that I'm dependent on him.

Still, as long as he thinks he loves me, I wanted to respond to his feelings. I wanted to protect him.

I don't know much about love. Still, I wanted to like him.

I want to like him, not someone else. I want to be able to look into his eyes and say from the bottom of my heart that I love him. I had never been in love with anyone, I had never known love until recently, and that's what I thought.

＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿

I'm not sure if you've seen this before, but I'm sure you've seen it before.

I moved my fingers out of the way of his hair, which was black like mine, so I could get a better look at his face.

The eyes that always look at me are closed, and the mouth that always cries out its love for me does not move.

I just watched him blankly as he entered the dream world as if he was running away from the pain.

I wanted him to wake up and look at me. I put a lid on my desire for him to wake up and look at me, to talk to me, and I just waited by his side until he woke up.

I wonder how much time passed before the intercom suddenly rang.

I let out a single cluck of my tongue at the sound.

I somehow guessed who it was, so I took out my cell phone and called the person.

Hello, Toramasa. Isn't it unfair that you skipped school by yourself? Why didn't you invite me too?

Go home.

What?

When Huangya answered the phone, I said that much and hung up.

But I don't think he's the kind of guy who would leave with this. As I thought, the phone started ringing right after I hung up.

If I keep talking to him in the living room, he might wake up.

I let out a sigh and headed for the door leading to the front door. Standing in front of the front door, I picked up the phone and put it to my ear.

“Isn't it terrible to suddenly ask me to go home?”

“Shut up and go home.”

No, no, no, I'm not leaving without a good reason. Did you just fuck me?

Fuck you.

I'm kidding. Are you bringing a girl home with you?

No.

You know I'm very perceptive, right?

No.

This guy always brings trouble.

Well, I can't speak for others either, but there's no way I'm going to get involved with this guy.

Hey, show me the girl.

She's not here.

If she was here, you'd be able to open the door, right? You've never done that before.

You don't have to tell me. Now go home.

“Hmmm. If you say so, I'll call Mashiro and Reika.

The name of the woman who has been involved with me in some way recently, I clicked my tongue.

No matter how many times I told them I didn't have a girl, they were always nagging me about wanting to meet her, as if they were sure she was there for some reason.

I didn't tell them where I live. I don't tell them where I live, and there's no way I would tell them.

Besides, I'm doing my best to do what they asked me to do the other day.

The other day was when I helped him break up with a woman with whom he had been having an affair until recently.

If he can stay by my side,” he said. After I told him that I wanted to leave the other woman, I asked Huang Yoru to help me leave her.

If you were to ask me what my relationship with Hwang Yo was, I would say that we were childhood friends. But that doesn't mean we are good friends.

I think it's easy because we don't have to take care of each other, but there's more to it than that.

I can ask him for help when things get messy.

If there is someone I want to cut off because of a woman's relationship, I ask Hwang Yo to do it. He makes them fall in love with him and forget about me.

When a man is involved in a relationship with a woman, he asks me for help. I deal with the guy who is angry at me for stealing his girl, and I use force on him so that he will never get involved again.

We use each other. Such a relationship was easy to understand and comfortable. Rather than being bound by invisible feelings, it was more satisfying to have a clear purpose for being by each other's side.

I've been a part of your troubles too, you know.

No, no, no, but that amount of money was a lot. If you don't let me in the …… house, I'll stop halfway through, okay?”

The actual “I'm not a fan of the way you look at it, but I'm not a fan of the way you look at it.

I was so angry at Huang Yao for saying that.

Of course not.

Don't wake the woman inside.

When I said that, I heard Huangya let out a gasp of surprise on the other end of the phone.

This time, I broke it. Besides, he was sleeping, so I was going to bring Huang Yoru home for a bit and kick him out of the house as soon as he showed himself.

To my words, Huang Yoru replied, “I promise.” Huang Yoru answered, “I promise.

I don't believe everything he says. If it was just a verbal promise, I could say whatever I wanted. Still, I had no choice but to accept his words for now.

When I opened the front door, Huang Yao made an unusually surprised expression.

What is it?”

I said, not liking the look on his face.

No, it's nothing.”

Huang Yao then took off her shoes and handed me a bag from a convenience store.

The contents were a Coke and some snacks. Whenever he comes to my house, he always buys something for me as if he were paying for my room.

I quietly opened the door to the living room and headed for the kitchen instead of the sofa.

I took out the Coke from the bag I had received and put it in the refrigerator. I put it in the fridge.

Sorry, Toraga, I woke up.”

I felt a blood vessel in my head snap, and the next thing I knew, I was kicking Huang Yoru in the face.

I told you not to wake him up, but what is he really doing?

I went to bed. He was sleeping in my house. He was curled up in his little body, trying to escape the pain.

You've got to be kidding me. Kicking him wasn't enough, I seriously thought I was going to punch him out.

When I looked at his face, he was looking at me with a surprised look on his face.

I noticed that and looked into his face and saw his face. I told him honestly that I was sorry for waking him up when he was sleeping. I honestly told him so, and Huangya, who was writhing in pain, looked at me with a surprised face.

What, do you have something to say? I glared at her and she looked away from me.

After that, Huang Yao apologized while enduring the pain, but my anger did not subside.

And even if he was sorry, he would immediately go back to the way he was before.

While we were talking like this, he gradually started talking to me like he always does. I was annoyed with Huang Yoru who didn't go home even if I was told to go home. I don't like the fact that his eyes are on anyone but me. I really want him to go home.

I clicked my tongue in my mind at the name of the woman who came up in the conversation.

This guy intentionally mentioned a woman's name. And I knew he was watching my reaction. I said, “Shut up.” Huangya looked at me with amusement. This guy is really joking around.

At that moment, I saw that Huangya used the smile that he uses when he tries to get a girl to fall for him.

He has a good face. I know that very well. That's why I didn't want him to meet her. I have heard his confession many times. I also know that he truly loves me. But you never know when people's feelings will change.

I thought that if he fell in love with Huang Yoru, I would be more than just mad at him.

When he asked me my name, he looked at me to confirm it.

There was no way I was going to tell him. I shook my head and he shook his head as if to say he understood.

Even such a trivial action makes me happy.

Huang Ye said that he is possessive, but that has nothing to do with you.

Everything irritates me.

I'm annoyed by everything, from the way he looks at everyone but me when he talks to me, to the way Huang Yoru looks at me as if she's searching for me.

It was when I was about to get really angry that Hwang Yo finally decided to leave.

I could tell by the air that Hwang Yo was getting on my nerves.

He might do something…. Just when I was thinking that, Huang Yoru asked him, “So you are satisfied with your unrequited love for Toraya?” Huang Yao asked him a question. Huang Yao knew that and asked him that question.

Is he satisfied with his one-sided love?

But he still answered the question with a smile, and that made my heart ache.

Why can't I think that I love him? I have a possessive desire not to give it to anyone, I want to take good care of it. But it is not because I love him. That's what frustrated me.

On the pretext of seeing Huang Yoru off, I talked with him in the hallway.

I went out into the hallway and stood next to her as she waited for the elevator, and I opened my mouth.

Don't you ever touch him again.”

Huang Yao snickered like a fool and looked at me with only her eyes.

I'm not going to be able to get rid of him again.

I'm the only one here right now, Huang Yao said to me in a hateful tone.

Shut up.

I'm not going to be able to do that. She fell in love with Tiger Masa.

“You…”

I know that better than anyone. But I don't need this guy to tell me that.

I'm interested in the girl that Toraga is going that far with…. Hey, can I have her?”

Hearing those words, I subconsciously grabbed Huang Yao by the chest and pressed her against the wall.

Huang Yoru's head hit the wall with a dull sound. But Huang Yao looked at me with a foolish look on her face as if she didn't feel such pain.

Hahaha, aren't you an idiot for getting so worked up? You don't like her, do you? Besides, no matter how much she likes you, those feelings will fade away soon.

This guy and I are similar, even though we don't seem to be. Huang Yao is a person who doesn't know how to love the same way I do.

I opened my mouth as if to retort to his words.

Do you think I don't know?

What? About what?

Your attitude towards Hanamiya.

Huangya's expression suddenly disappears.

The actual “I'm not a fan of the newest technology, but I'm not a fan of the newest technology, so I'm not sure if I'm a fan of the newest technology or not.

I took Huang Yao's arm and tightened my grip on his arm as if I was angry with him.

Don't take your frustration out on me.”

I know how you feel. I know how you feel. It's impossible to really love someone.”

“And yet, you're just like me.”

…… is crap.”

The first thing to do is to make sure that you have a good time with your friends and family.

I certainly don't like him. There is no guarantee that she will always love me.

Our relationship is distorted and unstable, like we are walking on a road with no clear future.

I know that. I know I'm the worst. That's why I want to protect him so that he can keep smiling.

I'm the one who might erase his smile the most….

Even so, I don't want to let go of him.

The free love that I have finally obtained. This love that may be the first and last in my life.