Chapter 16

The day after I went to the beach with Toraga, I got a sunburn and my whole body turned bright red.

I sat on my bed with my cell phone in my hand, which had been constantly sending me text messages since the morning, while using coolant to cool my burning skin.

The person on the other end of the line was Ichika.

Since this morning, Ichika has been sending me numerous e-mails asking me questions about yesterday's Toraga.

I answered the questions I could, but dodged the ones I couldn't explain to Ichika, and it wasn't until noon that she finally calmed down.

It was my fault for taking so long to reply to her e-mails, but Ichika's curiosity to know was great.

I managed to write that I wanted her to keep an eye on our relationship, and when I finished looking over the e-mail to make sure I hadn't written anything I wasn't supposed to tell her, I let out a sigh of relief.

Once I was done texting with Ichika, I was free.

I lay down on my bed and looked at my cell phone for no reason.

I wonder what Toraga is doing right now… I wonder if he is out somewhere.

I wonder if he is out somewhere or with someone.

Or is he spending time alone? If he is alone, I wish he would call me….

I opened Toraga's phone number, and I was wondering if I should press the button to call him or not…. My finger wanders near the button.

I thought about it for a while, but in the end I didn't call Toraya.

It was wrong of me to try to call Toraya in the first place. I didn't want to disturb Toraga, but I couldn't help wanting to hear his voice. I want to see him.

I met him a lot yesterday, I touched him a lot, I talked to him a lot, but it's still not enough.

Like a thirsty person in the middle of the desert, my heart is thirsty to see him.

I want to see him. I want to be in Toraya's sight. I want to laugh with Toraya.

I don't care if he thinks I'm a convenient woman, I still want to be with him.

I gently stroke my finger over the cell phone that is connected to Toraya's cell phone and put my lips to it.

As I knew, my lips only felt the hard touch of the cell phone and the warmth of the phone, which was hot from being used for a long time.

…What am I doing?

Heat gathers in my face as I feel like an idiot for what I'm doing.

Embarrassed and ashamed, I grabbed a pillow and shoved it in my face and rolled around on the bed.

I rolled around making weird, strange noises, and as I flailed my legs, I was sweating and my hair stuck to my cheeks.

I moved my fingers out of the way of the hair sticking to my cheek, and as soon as I lifted my upper body up, I heard an incoming call on my cell phone.

Hearing the sound, I hurried to see who was on the other end of the line and picked up.

Hello!

What were you doing just now?”

I was rolling around on the bed!

What? What the hell are you doing?”

From the other end of the phone was the voice of the person I loved, the one I had been dying to hear.

When I told him exactly what I was doing, he laughed in my throat and said it in a funny way. I love Toraga, who has such a cool voice and such a cool way of laughing, my favorite Toraga.

I'm so happy because I wanted to hear your voice right now. I wonder if my telepathy got through to him.

“I wonder if my telepathy got through?”

“Toraga-san, your voice is really cool too…. I'm so happy to hear your voice…”

When I said that, Toramasa said, “Really? I said, and Toramasa laughed again on the other end of the phone. I am so happy. I can hear Toramasa's laughter. I am happy.

I put my hand on my chest and feel my heart fill up.

I am happy. I am really happy that I am connected with Toramasa like this on the phone.

While we are on the phone, Toramasa is only talking to me, right? When we are on the phone, the voice that is directed to me is mine and mine alone. It's my own voice.

But you know, the phone calls make me very happy, but what makes me most happy is the time I get to see Toraga. The time we spend together in Toraga's room.

I can have Toramasa all to myself during that time, and I get to spend time with him.

I can have all his eyes, all his voice, all his gestures, all to myself.

Every time I do this, I feel like I am a luxury. I get to spend time alone with such a handsome person and touch him. Even if I don't have a heart, I'm so happy just to be with him, just to have him use me.

I'm happy, really. But I've become so selfish lately that I want something beyond that.

Beyond that, it's almost zero. Because I said that Toraga is using me. Certainly, Toraga doesn't like me.

But every time Toramasa touches me, every time he smiles at me, I look for the slightest possibility out of the near-zero situation.

I can put dreams aside as dreams, but reality is certainly reality and not a dream.

I cannot go back to the past and I cannot go to the future. I can't swallow the words I've spoken, and I can't undo my actions.

In a world where every second passes, I still want to be something to Toraga. I want to walk through reality with the sweet dreams I see in reality in my heart.

I listen to my cell phone with the same fluffy feeling I have when I hear Toraga's voice and dream.

Are you satisfied with just his voice?”

I stutter as Toramasa says this in a mean voice, and my head clears as if I've just woken up from a dream.

What the hell? My heart was racing and bothering me as I said that. My heart was really hurting and bothering me, as it always does.

“Just your voice…? What?

I'm free right now.

I'm free right now. I'm free, too!

I replied to Toraga's unexpected words and stood up on the spot at the same time.

I'm not sure what to say. I'm not sure if that's what you mean by “I'm free” or not. That means I can meet with Toraga, right? Are you sure? Am I interpreting this correctly?

I wanted to ask Toraga if my interpretation was correct, but my head was in such a confused state that I uttered “ah ah ah ah” for no reason at all and a meaningless moment passed by.

Hearing my words, Toramasa said, “I don't know what you're talking about.” He then asked, “Can we go to my place?” He then asked, “Can we go to my house?

Of course! I'll be right there!

Be careful.”

Thank you! Oh, I'm going to stop by a convenience store on my way.

No, nothing in particular.

“Really? How about some ice cream?

“Ice cream sounds good. Anything you want, just go get it for me.

I'd love to.

After hanging up the phone, I hurriedly took a quick shower, got dressed, grabbed my bag and cell phone roughly, and hurried out of the house.

I regretted that I should have worn a hat, but I couldn't stop myself from moving forward.

I hurried to a convenience store on the way to Toramasa's apartment, and bought cola-flavored ice cream, chocolate ice cream, vanilla, lemon, strawberry, and…well, anything else Toramasa could choose.

Then I bought a Coke and a bottle of tea for myself, and we rushed back to Toramasa's house, although Toramasa didn't say anything other than ice cream.

In the elevator, I wiped the sweat off my face with a handkerchief, and let the heat build up on my body by flapping my hands to release it.

I had showered but now I was sweating again. It was my own fault because I was the one who ran, but I hate my sweating body…

I pressed the intercom of Toraga's room and he immediately opened the door.

At that moment I died.

Toramasa opened the door for me, naked on top of his body? Huh? What are you inviting me to? Is it a set meal? And? What? What are you wearing on your head, brother? A black catsuit? What? It looks great on you, doesn't it? I like it.

I was so shocked that I fell to the floor on my knees.

If my nose had been bleeding, I would have wanted to write “Guess Death” on the floor as a dying message. Such was my life.

Sorry, I was changing.

I was changing my clothes…I was glad it was me who answered the door, but what would I have done if it had been someone else? If by some chance, a predatory older sister had tracked down Toraga's house, she would have been attacked at this very moment. I'm glad it was me…I'm glad no one else saw me in such a sexy state…. I don't have the guts or courage to attack you, so don't worry.

I'm going home now because you're so cool.

Don't be silly, hurry up and get in.”

I was so happy to see him, and I was so happy to be able to see him again. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. And I feel like I'm going to die.

The house of Toraga seems to be air-conditioned and I do not feel the heat of the outside at all.

I could feel my sweat begin to subside in the cool space.

Toraga-san, hurry up and change your clothes. I'm going to melt…”

What are you talking about, you saw a lot of it yesterday.

I'm not sure what you're talking about. The way he said it was so erotic…. I've been reaffirmed that the perfect erotic person is different.

I see.”

Then he pointed to the bag in my hand and asked, “How much was it? I hurriedly told him that I did not need any money.

Toraga wrinkled his brow and made a scary face, but I wanted to pay him this time because he had been paying me for some things lately. I wanted him to pay me this time.

I got down on my knees and said so, and Toramasa agreed, albeit reluctantly.

Toramasa, what would you like to eat, ice cream?

Isn't that a lot of ice cream?

I bought a lot so you can choose! Oh, and here's Toramasa's drink.

I'll pay for it.

I don't want it!

I won't take it no matter what! Holding the bag, I shake my head and show my strong will.

Toramasa takes the bag from me and takes the cola-flavored ice cream and asks, “What are you going to eat? I took a cup of vanilla-flavored ice cream and Toramasa put the rest in the freezer.

We then sat together on the sofa eating the ice cream, and while eating I suddenly noticed a different smell coming from Toramasa.

I asked, “Toramasa, did you smoke?”

I had smoked cigarettes in a previous life, so in a way I was familiar with the smell, and I told Toramasa about it.

Toraya's brow wrinkled deeply, he clicked his tongue and said, “You see? I could not understand it if I did not come close enough to it.

Yes, you have to get very close to see it.

I see.”

Was Toramasa smoking a cigarette? Or was someone else smoking?

If the latter, then Toramasa was with someone…. Expecting the former, I asked, “Do you smoke?” I asked, hoping for the former.

Toramasa replied shortly, “Yes. Toramasa replied shortly, “Yes,” and never spoke again.

I didn't notice the smell of cigarettes until now.

I see.

Are you a heavy smoker, Toramasa-san?

Well…”

I was wondering if Toramasa smokes a lot…. I never saw him smoking….

It was cool to imagine Toramasa smoking a cigarette while holding an ice cream in his mouth.

I myself like guys who smoke, and I'm not one to strongly advise against smoking because one is underage, so I don't think anything of it, especially if a high school student smokes, but normally I would warn a high school student if he smokes….

I wonder if Toraga was hiding the fact that he was smoking? Oh, was he changing his clothes because the smell of cigarettes was on his clothes? Hmmm I don't know.

You can smoke even if I'm here.”

I wanted to tell him that much, just in case.

Because if he hadn't smoked when he was with me until now, that meant he was holding back, right?

I thought it would be better to tell her if she was not smoking when she was with me.

I myself smoked cigarettes in a previous life, so I know how frustrating it can be to not be able to smoke when you want to.

Then Toraga looked at me with a funny look in his eyes.

Oh, I'm going to spill my ice cream.

'Cigarettes, did you expect me to warn you?

I said, “Yeah.

I'm of the opinion that it's okay to smoke and have tattoos as long as you're responsible for them.

That's surprising. I thought you didn't like that kind of thing.

No, I don't dislike it. I think cigarettes are harmful, but if you smoke responsibly, it's fine, and tattoos are cool to look at.

I see.

If you want to smoke, I won't stop you. I'm not going to stop you if you want to smoke…as long as you're careful not to let the adults find out.”

I smiled at him with a mischievous grin on my face.

Seeing my smile, Toramasa looked surprised and then gave me a troubled smile and said, “You look like a delinquent. He finished the rest of his ice cream.

I've been thinking about quitting smoking.”

I didn't realize that. Toramasa-san looks good with cigarettes… maybe it's a pity.

Don't say that. You won't be able to stop.

You don't have to stop.”

I glanced at Toramasa with a pout on my lips. Toramasa smiled, patted my head and said, “No, I'm going to stop. And then Toraya didn't say anything again.

Feeling Toramasa's large hand caressing my head, I turned my head to look at him and ate up the last of my ice cream.

After that, the two of us sat on the sofa as usual and watched TV. He said he was sure he had checked out the ghost show but had missed it.

My heart was pounding with excitement at the show, which I had not expected. Can I see it?” Can I watch it? However, I did not receive a reply from Toramasa.

What is it? I looked over there and saw that Toramasa had his arms crossed and his face turned downwards, his eyes closed.

Toraga?

I called out to him again, but he didn't reply.

I heard a regular breathing sound and an up-and-down movement of his chest. When I confirmed them, I opened my eyes wide.

Could it be that he is sleeping?

I looked back and forth between the TV and Toraya, froze for a moment watching the TV, and then glanced at Toraya again and covered my face with my hands.

What am I going to do, there's an angel here.

Wait, I've never seen him sleeping before. I've never seen him sleeping before.

He's so good-looking and beautiful that I lost my vocabulary, he really is an angel. I can already see a halo around him, everything is perfect. Everything is perfect, even his sleeping face is perfect. My face is so stupid, and I'm drooling in my sleep. I love it.

Oh, really? Are you really sleeping, Toramasa?

Toraga….

…No reply.

Oh, it's a cockroach.

…No response.

It seems to be really sleeping.

With my heart pounding, I glanced at the TV with Toramasa at my side, but I couldn't get my head around the ghost show I was supposed to love so much.

So I've given up on TV. I can't think of anything but Toraya.

I look at Toramasa, who is sleeping next to me, not just glancing at him, but staring at him.

His eyelashes are long…. He has long eyelashes… He has a nice looking nose… His lips are sexy. His forehead is beautifully shaped.

I looked at Toraya's face one by one as if I was checking the shape of his face, and I let out a sigh of admiration.

I have never looked at Toramasa's face for such a long time. I'm able to look at Toraya's face more than before, but I still get nervous when I see his face and immediately look away from him.

I wonder if the fact that he is sleeping like this even when I am there means that he is getting used to me? Does it mean that she feels a little relieved? I wonder what is going on…. I want to know.

There were no stills of Toraga sleeping in the game. When I stayed over the other night, I fell asleep earlier than him, and when I woke up in the morning, he was already awake, so this is the first time I've seen his sleeping face. He's so cute. I like him.

I realized for the first time how happy it makes me to have the person I love sleeping next to me.

I suddenly remembered Toraya's words the other day.

Toraya said he wanted me to touch him.

I don't know what he meant or why he wanted me to touch him, but I am sure that he did not reject me, and that makes me very happy.

But I am afraid that if I touch Toraga, I will lose control. But I also want to touch Toraga more.

But, but, but, that's all I do these days.

I already know that. I want to be desired more by Toraga.

I want him to feel the same way I do.

Gently, I reach out and grab the hem of Toraya's dress.

Next, I fearfully touch Toraya's arm with just my fingertips.

I could feel the belly of my fingers on Toraga's arm, and that alone made me extremely nervous.

I knew I shouldn't do this to a sleeping person, and I shouldn't do this to Toramasa if he woke up.

But Toramasa may never sleep like this in front of me again… I want to touch Toramasa just a little bit, just a little bit.

I removed my fingers from Toramasa, clasped my hands together, meditated, and apologized in my mind, “I'm sorry.” I apologized in my mind. I posed for a while as if I was worshipping Toramasa, and I just kept apologizing like I was making excuses.

My heart beat even faster as I thought about what I was about to do.

I put my hand on my chest and took deep breaths over and over again.

It's only for a moment, just a moment.

I slowly approach Toraya and place my hand lightly on his second arm, which is crossed over his arm, and gently place my cheek on his shoulder.

I feel Toraya's shoulder on my cheek. I can feel Toraya's body heat and smell his scent.

It felt so good and filled my heart with contentment that I lightly rubbed my cheek against Toraya's shoulder. I rub my cheek against Toraya's shoulder, like a cat rubbing its head against a paw.

I feel like an idiot. From the outside, I think we're like lovers, even though Toraya doesn't think anything of me.

But I still want to think that I am in my dream just for now. My dream in which Toraga is sleeping.

If I didn't think so, I wouldn't be able to do this. I want him to think that it is really just a daytime dream.

Every day, my feelings of love for Toramasa are renewed.

If “I love you” is next to “I love you,” I want more than that. I can't express this feeling in two words. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I like the word “I love you,” but the word “like” suits my unrequited love.

I say it out loud to tell the other person that I love him or her, so that I don't ask him or her for love, but only me.

I love you.”

I put everything I have into these words that come out each and every time. I love you. I love you. I love you more than anything else in the world. I love you more than anyone or anything.

The word “like” is amazing. It is such a simple two-word word to convey my feelings.

If there are no words other than “I love you” and “I love you,” I will say these words as long as Toraga is around.

And as if to confirm once again

I love you.

As if to confirm once more, I murmured, “I know.

I know.”

It was not me who said that, but someone else.

There is only one person. I don't know anyone who can make such a beautiful voice.

I rolled my eyes in surprise and rushed away from Toramasa.

I looked into Toraya's eyes, which were open without hiding the expression on my face.

Oh no, Toraya had seen me. I woke up Toraya. I'm sorry, how long have you been awake?

I can feel all the blood in my body gradually gathering in my face.

No, not only his face, his ears and neck were also reddening, starting from the part close to his face.

I put my hands on both cheeks to cover up the heat as if my face was on fire, and a voice that could not hide my agitation said, “I'm so sorry! I apologized to Toraga in a voice that could not hide my upset.

Toraga just looked at me quietly.

I wish he had just laughed at me like he usually does, saying, “What are you doing? But I didn't know how to respond to him when he looked at me as if he didn't know what I was thinking.

I looked down in embarrassment, biting my lower lip and swallowing my voice that sounded like I was about to go insane, I took a deep breath and said again, “I'm sorry. I took a deep breath and muttered again, “I'm sorry,” in a voice that sounded like a mosquito.

Even so, Toraya did not reply. Why did Toraya go back to sleep?

I looked at Toraya's face and his gaze met mine, and I looked down again.

I wondered if it was because I had just woken up from sleep that my head felt fuzzy.

I know, that's what happens when you wake up from sleep. I also feel lightheaded for a while when I wake up from sleep.

I wonder how long I've been awake…?

…… when you were worshipping me.

Worshipping…? Oh, maybe when I was apologizing to Toraga in my mind! What, that's where it happened! That's a lie! Why didn't you call out to me? What, did you raccoon sleep? Eh, eh, I'm so panicked I can't think of anything else.

I'm sorry…”

I removed my hands from my cheeks and got down on my knees on the sofa.

Toramasa said to me, “Don't be sorry. Toramasa gently patted my head as I was on my knees.

I was looking at the sofa thinking, “I often get patted on the head by Toramasa these days…. I was looking at the sofa, thinking, “I'm so sorry.

Tears were gradually coming to my eyes, probably from embarrassment and apology.

Oh, I want to turn into dust and disappear.

As I was thinking this, Toraga's hand, which was stroking my head, gently touched my cheek and made me look up.

In the tear-stained world, I felt Toraga's eyes met mine.

I blinked and my tears spilled out and I could see clearly. It was not my imagination, but my eyes met Toraga's. It was as if time had stopped.

It was as if time had stopped and I could not move.

I couldn't move partly because he didn't move, but also because his eyes were looking straight at me for some reason.

He kept looking into my eyes as if he was seeing something through my eyes.

After a while, Toraya took his eyes off me and removed his hand from my cheek so I could move, but I couldn't move while I was still on my knees.

We spent the rest of the day in a somewhat awkward atmosphere.