Chapter 100

Alter’s rehabilitation stretched to about thirty minutes, like that. I had no idea how many times he’d risen today. Knees slamming into the floor, shoulders colliding with the wall, Alter still rose.

“Let’s call it a day.”

Alter never quite knew how to stop once he started something, so Lir and I watched him, and only after persuading him several times, could we finally send him back to his room.

After tucking Alter into bed, Lir and I returned to our own room.

“I hope I don’t give her a cold.”

I said, wiping clear nasal mucus with a tissue. My own body was not entirely well, so caring for others was quite the ordeal.

“Master, is mostly alright.”

Lir spoke, her gaze fixed on the closed door. She still didn’t seem to grasp that her master could be so weakened.

“He’ll be alright. He always has been.”

I couldn’t quite tell anymore if that was a prayer or a guess.

“…Let’s take your temperature, at least. You’ve been outside too long with that cold.”

Lir paused to gather herself, then approached me with the thermometer resting on the desk.

It was an oral thermometer, and I didn’t much like it, because of the faint mercury taste lingering on the part that touched the tongue.

I’ve never tasted mercury in my life, but still, this coppery, icy tang must be the taste of mercury.

“37.5, you’ll be back to normal by tomorrow.”

Lir held up the oral thermometer, saying it like that. I still couldn’t, to this day, understand the principle by which that thermometer functioned.

“It’s lingered a little too long for a simple cold. Today’s the fifth day, isn’t it?”

I said, letting the cardigan slip off my shoulder, ready to head into the hallway. My right hand wasn’t working right, making taking off the coat a difficult task.

“……”

Lir watched me struggle to remove the cardigan, silent for a moment.

“Uh… what’s wrong?”

“Your hand.”

Lir pointed to my right hand, speaking curtly.

“Huh?”

“Your right hand, when will it get better? You said it was just a sprain a few days ago.”

“Uh… it’s taking a while, I guess. Well, my body’s just so abnormal.”

“Shouldn’t you see a doctor or a priest? Your recovery is too slow.”

“No, it’s nothing like that. Everyone’s busy; what would they do about a simple wrist sprain?”

“…It’s not just a sprain, is it?”

Lir asked in a cool voice.

I could have brushed off her question, saying it was nothing.

Maybe that would have been the best way.

“…Well, no.”

Even so, I did not lie.

I don’t know why.

Just, just… it was the weariness, I think.

“What happened?”

“…”

I lowered my head, exhaling a sigh.

Surely, feigning that it was nothing would have been the right answer.

Lir is suffering enough already.

Alter, a man like a father to her, is shattered so completely he can barely walk.

I didn’t want to burden her with my worries, too.

Though belatedly, I shrugged lightly again and began to speak.

“It’s nothing….”

“What happened,” Lir said, her expression chillingly hardened, as if to emphasize the question once more.

Perhaps she saw through my pretense from the very beginning.

Lir is an elf, after all, her eyes are keen. It was impossible she wouldn’t have pierced my clumsy charade with her unique perceptiveness. And yet, the fact that she hadn’t said anything until now… it must have been consideration for me.

I can’t hide it forever, so it’s best to just confess.

“I touched bio-electricity. The thing we discussed once before.”

I laid bare the truth.

Contrary to what I hoped, my heart didn’t feel lighter. It became even heavier, in fact.

Truth, after all, always weighed heavier than any lie, burdening the hearts of both the listener and the speaker.

“What, you…”

“I know, it was madness. A dangerous endeavor, prone to inevitable failure. But to escape with only a burnt-out nerve in one wrist, well, it was a bargain. Against the Grand Duke, such risks are…”

I cut her off quickly, unleashing a torrent of excuses.

But I wasn’t the only one capable of interrupting.

“You actually went through with it?! Are you insane? How many times did I tell you it was too dangerous! We promised to leave it as just an idea, didn’t we…!”

Rirr, cutting through my lame excuses, raised her voice in a shout.

Seeing her face flush crimson and her hands tremble, I felt like I had committed a sin worthy of death.

“…”

Her voice faltered mid-shout, and she bit down hard on her molars, silencing herself. Rirr wore an expression that said she wished she could just disappear from her own embarrassment.

“…There was no other choice, was there?”

Her words were accompanied by a lowered head. Long strands of golden hair fell like a curtain, obscuring her face. Her voice was small, insignificant, like it had been back when she was still shy.

“No. It’s the Grand Duke, after all.”

I replied calmly. This was not a boast, nor an excuse, but a simple fact.

She cautiously approached and touched my right hand.

I felt nothing. It was as if my right hand simply did not exist there.

From my right elbow to the tips of my fingers, the entire forearm felt numb.

No matter how hard I tried to move my hand, my muscles would not obey the commands of my brain. The neural pathways had been burned out.

The reason my right arm was in this state was, of course, Maltiel.

In the final moments of that battle with the monster, I had extended my right hand and unleashed a massive electric shock into Maltiel’s chest.

In that instant, bio-electric currents bearing opposing commands – [contract muscle] versus [reach for chest] – collided at the fingertips.

A superposition of orders that could never occur in a being without two brains brought a type of shock never before experienced to nerve cells and muscle.

As a result, my right arm was ruined.

“…The Saintess? She can’t fix it either?”

“The priests’ prayers only accelerate ‘natural recovery,’ you know. A severed arm can’t sprout anew. Damaged nerves cannot be restored. Well. Nothing can be done.”

“…”

“What’s wrong? It’s just one hand. How many people live without a hand? Besides, I’m a mage, remember? Most things I can just fix with magic…”

I pulled myself together and relayed to Lire the words I’d been telling myself for days.

“…With magic, I’ll fix it, so, so…”

I even managed a smile, although it probably felt awkward to Lire.

“I…”

She started to speak, then swallowed, her throat tight, and took a breath.

“I did nothing. While Rex-nim, and Master, and Vin-nim risked their lives on the battlefield, I was sprawled out in the rear, like an idiot…”

She was digging a hole for herself, and I didn’t know how to stop her.

What could I say?

‘Lire’s lightning strikes were amazing; they made the battle much easier, so don’t be so upset.’

No, too cliché.

‘Lire used up all her mana and couldn’t do anything. Don’t worry about it.’

…Nonsense like “don’t worry about it” won’t offer any comfort.

‘If you’re frustrated, get stronger.’

It’s the worst.

The kind of thing you’d jokingly say during magic practice.

“…Got some time tomorrow?”

I don’t know. Just.

“Let’s grab coffee in the evening.”

First, let’s escape all of this.

* * *

The city center was more chaotic than any “festival” could describe.

Everyone walking the streets, without exception, had faces flushed crimson as if they’d downed a drink or two, and they sang aloud. Street corners echoed with the performances of bards and musicians.

Some taverns were even giving away free drinks to passersby. Meanwhile, nobles, whenever the mood struck, would climb onto platforms in the square and deliver praises of historical victories and the soldiers involved.

Newspapers detailing the historical feat of the Sword Saint personally dealing with three Grand Dukes were scattered across the streets. And on the following page of that same paper were articles and portraits of Lex and myself, the ones who dealt with Grand Duke Malthael.

Some fools, trying to imitate my appearance as depicted in the paper, had dyed their hair stark white. I couldn’t help but stifle a dry laugh at the sight.

Me…

I am truly sorry, but all of this was revolting to me.

I simply wanted to escape this chaotic square as soon as possible and enter a quiet cafe, and Lir, standing beside me, seemed to feel the same.

We moved as far away from the city’s center as possible. If I’d known it would be like this, I would have asked them to drop us off in the outskirts from the start.

I wanted to forget bad memories or thoughts, even for a little while, by enjoying the festival, but that plan unexpectedly failed.

We walked for quite some time and entered a small cafe located where the city met farmland. The lighting consisted only of small lanterns, and the chairs and tables were old and cracked, but tonight, this was the best it would get.

“…What is it?”

The owner, sitting with his back to the entrance, merely turned his head to greet us. His face was listless, as if he had no desire to do business.

“Open for business, are you?”

“……What other reason would I have the door open?”

A gravelly voice, dripping with unwelcome.

For a moment, I considered turning around and leaving, but where would I find another place like this? I chose a suitable spot and sat down with Lir.

“Espresso for you.”

The proprietor decided our order.

I found the situation absurd, but I calmly cleared my throat and called out to the man as he headed into the kitchen.

“I don’t drink coffee.”

“Then why come into a cafe?”

“Do you have any tea?”

“Tea is for the birds. Two espressos.”

“……Is there a problem?”

I asked, my voice sharp, directed at the proprietor’s persistent hostility. My mood was already sour, why were these misfortunes piling up?

“……Problem?”

He stopped, entering the kitchen, and glared at me, seemingly offended by my tone. He fixated on my hair, then let out a mirthless chuckle before slowly walking toward me.

“The problem is those oblivious fools screaming their heads off in the square, calling it a festival.”

The lantern light cast deep lines across his face. His hands were covered in burns and calluses, his hair streaked with silver.

He had the look of a fiend. Dark circles under his eyes, bloodshot pupils, broken fingernails, gaunt arms and legs.

“Judging by that hair of yours, you’re probably the same sort as them. Wouldn’t you rather just leave my shop and wander around downtown? You could probably get free drinks and coffee.”

“You seem displeased. The victory that changed history was only a week ago. Just enjoy the atmosphere….”

“The funeral hasn’t even been held yet!”

*Thump!*

An arm, looking as though it were nothing but skin and bone, slammed against the table.

Lir, startled by the sudden shock, shrunk back, pulling her head into her shoulders. I glared at the old man.

“The damn funeral hasn’t been held! Tens of thousands died! And what, you’re celebrating? Sharing drinks? Go shove it, I haven’t even found my son’s body!”

The old man’s ragged breathing crashed against the table, filling the entire shop. Cold autumn air seeped in through the cracked window frames.

“…You said you didn’t want coffee, so you’ll have milk. One espresso, one milk.”

After a moment, the old man, having calmed himself, quietly turned and disappeared into the kitchen.

“…”

Lir leaned on the table, biting her lip.

She carefully touched my right hand, which rested on the table, and lowered her head in silence.

I wanted to escape the bad memories.

But they wouldn’t let me go.

Or, maybe I was the one who wouldn’t let them go.

If I really wanted to escape those horrible memories, even for a little while, shouldn’t I have stayed in the plaza?

“Maybe I’ll never be able to wash away this wound.”

“…”

Lir didn’t answer, but simply met my gaze.

“There’s nothing we can do. Except wait for us to get used to it.”

She gently enveloped my numb right hand with hers.

Looking at that arm, devoid of all sensation, only tightened the knot in my chest until I couldn’t bear it.

“If only I could just wail it all out, but even that isn’t mine to command.”

Composure.

Damn composure was the problem.

I just wanted to weep like a madman, to scream, to rage.

I wanted to let go of reason, but I couldn’t bend it to my will.

I never knew it could be so agonizing, the inability to break.

I covered my eyes with my left hand and bit down on my lip.

From the kitchen, the sound of coffee and milk being poured into cups.

“…We shouldn’t have left Alter like that. What if he can’t walk again for the rest of his life?”

Meaningless regrets crashed over me like a tidal wave. My lips felt parched, and my entire body grew cold.

That old hand, those legs, trembling so violently, flashed before my eyes. For a moment, my breath caught in my throat.

“Like I said… Master is generally okay.”

Lir spoke with such nonchalance. Honestly, it irritated me.

I didn’t even know why I was so irritated.

“…You’re truly pathetic.”

And then, those sharp feelings directed at her rebounded, turning back towards myself.

The tip of my left hand twitched. I exhaled a long sigh.

Even the sigh trembled.

…Now I don’t even know what I want anymore.

“I… I’m going to become stronger.”

It was in that instant.

Lir’s sudden declaration rang out.

I lowered my hand and stared at her.

Her large eyes caught the moonlight filtering through the dust-covered window, glowing softly.

“I’ll become much stronger than you, Vin.”

I didn’t quite understand what she was trying to say.

“And after becoming that strong, I’ll take everything you have. The expectations, the reputation… I’ll take it all.”

“Take it if you want it. Expectations, reputation… I never wanted any of that crap in the first place.”

I replied before I knew it, my tone sharp.

Pathetic. I don’t know why I’m acting like this.

“Exactly.”

But Lir, unfazed by my harsh tone, looked straight at me.

It was strange. In a situation like this, the usual Lir would have pulled her hat down low, avoiding my gaze.

“The pain you’re experiencing now, Vin, is the pain only those who never back down can experience. The pain of the courageous, who abandon everything for victory.”

She spoke with a faint hint of pity, as if making a vow.

“I’ll become crazily strong, and I’ll take even that pain for myself.”

And finally, I was able to admit that I was afraid.

“…Ha. Honestly.”

Of course, being unable to use my arm for the rest of my life is a terrifying thing.

Grisha said Rex would awaken within ten days, but with each passing moment, I secretly feared he might never.

Lyrre firmly believed Alter would pull through, yet I recklessly assumed he would never walk on two legs again, and worried over his despair.

This war had been too horrific. Too many people had perished before my eyes.

“…Damn it.”

Echoes of the war still lingered at the edges of my vision.

Even with the aid of [Composure], the fact that I could fall into a deep, dreamless sleep each night felt, in truth, somewhat frightening.

But as she said, despite everything, it was a pain, a worry earned for having persevered, for having survived.

And besides, the war wasn’t over yet.

“…Thank you.”

Only now, did I feel as though I could breathe a little easier.

Yes. For now, being alive had to be enough, didn’t it?