350 – Catastrophe (11)

“Jiwon-ah?”

I open the toilet. There’s nothing there.

“Jiwon-ah?”

I go outside. I go to the convenience store I always go to. It’s not there.

“… Jiwon?”

I turn on my phone with trembling hands. I keep making typos in the search bar, such as ‘ㅍ히디원’ or ‘처이자우ㅏㅁ’, and finally, I type in ‘최지원’, letter by letter.

“… comes out.”

The search results showed the Namuwiki document at the top, and various other articles and photos were listed in a row. It wasn’t the ‘disappearance of Choi Ji-won’ that I was most worried about.

Then why? No. There is a possible scenario. But it can’t happen. It shouldn’t happen.

I check my contacts by manipulating my phone. Other than that, I couldn’t memorize all of Jiwon’s numbers because we were always together, so I didn’t really need to memorize the number. But I remember the first four digits, so I dug through my memory and typed the numbers one by one.

-Choi Ji-won

“…”

It’s different. It’s not ‘Ji-won♡’. No, that can’t be. No. That can’t be it.

I try to press the call button, hesitate, throw the phone on the bed, pick it up again and think about it. Finally, I admit that there is no answer and press the call button gently. The moment my finger touches the screen, it flinches as if I touched something hot.

-Turrurr.

The sound of the phone call continues. The feelings of wanting to pick up and not wanting to pick up are mixed.

-hello?

I got it. I heard a voice that was so familiar that I was sick of it.

“…Jiwon-ah.”

-yes?

“Choi Ji-won.”

-Oh, yes. Junho. What’s going on?

“…”

I hung up the phone. I couldn’t admit it. I got dressed and headed straight to Choi Ji-won’s house. I couldn’t think about whether this was right or wrong. I had to go. I had to see it with my own eyes.

Bus? Taxi? No. Running. Jumping over rooftops, breaking bricks, using all his horsepower. He couldn’t hear the sound of people filming with their cell phones or people talking. He only thought about heading to Choi Ji-won’s house.

By the time I arrived at the door, panting like that.

-Bam.

The door opens. Yes, Jiwon Choi, who has a keen sense of smell, must have already known that I was coming. I expected that much. I expected it.

“excuse me…”

That look. It wasn’t affection, or disgust, or even anger.

“Is there something wrong? Can I help you?”

A look filled with concern. Not a look of affection, but a look of concern mixed with questions, based on the humanity that humans show to each other. A look looking at a ‘companion’.

“…no.”

It was so sharp that I couldn’t stand it, it felt like a knife stabbing my chest, so I just ran away. It felt like a stone was on my chest, and I couldn’t breathe properly. My vision was dizzy. I wish someone would hit my head hard. After being hit with a hammer and falling down, I woke up under Jiwon’s care.

That can’t be. There must have been some temporary change. There must have been a momentary error in the process of erasing the book from the world.

No way. The book didn’t give any warning about this. How could someone who knows everything not tell you this? It doesn’t make sense logically.

That can’t be. It’s Choi Ji-won. It’s Choi Ji-won who I’ve been climbing the tower with. She’s my lover, my teacher, my friend, and my colleague.

That can’t be true.

That would be…

“…”

That could be the case.

Choi Ji-won forgot me.

**

After returning home, I immediately bit my tongue. I returned with a familiar pain, and I came to my senses alone on the 29th floor. Yes, alone.

I ignored the woman who spoke to me and accepted the warrior’s recognition out of habit. I returned to my room three days later, and Choi Ji-won was still gone.

I cried. Even when I was hungry, thirsty, and sleepy, I just cried. Even though I was a player, I still had to eat and sleep. My eyes were sunken, my arms and legs were getting thinner, and my lips were dry and chapped. All I did for the day was cry, search for Choi Ji-won on my phone, and collapse from exhaustion.

When I had cried so much that I didn’t know how much time had passed, the first thought that came to my mind was, ‘I want to die.’ I just… wanted to die. It wasn’t a thought that came to me through any rational conclusion, it was just a thought that came naturally because I was so depressed, tired, and miserable.

Just when I thought that I might die if I just stayed still, my reason, which had been holding its breath, started to move. Although my reason was also completely depressed and unable to function, I was able to perform the most basic activities.

“why?”

It was natural to wonder: Why? Why on earth? How come?

I erased the existence of the book. I just got rid of the book through the ring. Why did my connection with Choi Ji-won disappear? Why?

“ah.”

My thoughts are not continuing. I am lacking in sugar, or calories. I raise my creaking body and stuff whatever I can get my hands on into my mouth. It is half-spoiled, so the taste and smell are terrible, but I am not in a good enough condition to recognize it.

“book.”

The nourished brain recalled what the book had said. What had he said? Surely… Surely…

□Disappears. And the past changes.□

This is not it.

□I can know everything, but I don’t know everything.□

This is not it either.

□The connection to the center of the world will be lost.□

This is it. This is clear.

I actually don’t know much about regression. All my information about traits is based on ‘guess’ and is not clearly stated anywhere.

If so, then it would be correct to say that the loss of connection with the center of the world… affected the ‘return together’.

“My head hurts.”

My head was still dizzy. I just washed my hair and went outside. I thought I would feel better if I walked around and collected my thoughts.

“…”

Every street, every food, every thing reminded me of her. I poked at that empty space. No. Let’s focus. Again.

“My world has completely lost its connection to the ‘center of the world.’ The center of the world still exists, but it no longer has any influence on this world.”

The bench where Jiwon and I sat.

“The reason is that the ‘Book of Truth’ is so closely related to the center of the world, and to remove the book, the link to the center of the world must also be removed.”

Chicken skewers that Jiwon likes.

“But let’s make a hypothesis here. What if my ‘companion regression’ was related to the ‘center of the world’? Whether the information is stored there, or the center of the world is used to maintain memories… what if it’s not a completely unrelated force?”

The distance I walked with Jiwon.

“What the return of companionship and the ‘center of the world’ have in common is that they are free from the power of my return. The connection is quite present.”

In every street and every space, the scent of Choi Ji-won was present.

“Then separating this world from the ‘center of the world’ is no different from eliminating the concomitant regression.”

After realizing the whole truth, I suddenly stopped in a park.

A lot of men and women walking hand in hand. Laughter. Happy smiles. Delicious food. Pictures that make memories. Happiness.

In this park where no one could contain their happiness, I sat down with a thud.

Actually, I knew it all along. I roughly looked into Choi Ji-won’s activities on internet communities and was able to confirm that the person named ‘Kim Jun-ho’ was removed from the trajectory of her life.

Choi Ji-won was not a hero in this world. It is true that he was a great player, but he had not accomplished anything worthy of being called a hero, and his personal strength was also lacking compared to when he was with me.

The book said, ‘The past is changed.’ So this world must be the world line where I was not connected to Choi Ji-won. It must be the world line where our relationship was cut off after the third floor.

“ah.”

It’s my fault. Because I erased the book with the ring, because I tried to take the easier path, my relationship with Choi Ji-won disappeared forever.

“ah.”

Was there really no way? Really? If a warlock on the 27th floor asked me, ‘Did you really do your best?’… Could I really say that I did my best? Could I say with certainty that there was not even a 0.0001% chance?

I can’t say for sure. There may have been a way. I gave up on the excuse that it was hard. It’s all my fault. And this is karma I have to pay.

“ah.”

Just the sound of air being exhaled from the lungs. A short syllable, ah-.

“ah.”

Perhaps an implicit expression of swirling emotions, or what humans call a ‘sigh’.

“ah.”

A human soul, as if all emotions were drained from it.

“…”

From afar, ‘I’ watched the sight, a human being who had barely regained his life, turning into a living corpse again.

Ironically.

“…thank god.”

I thought, “I’m so lucky. I’m so, so lucky.”

Because that’s not me. Because this isn’t the reality that’s come to me. I’m so, so glad that the book showed me this future.

If you didn’t know, there’s nothing you can do. You can’t deal with what you don’t know.

but.

“If you know, you can deal with it.”

Unlike Kim Jun-ho, whose life was fading away, my face was slowly starting to come back to life.

It’s time to roll your head.