Chapter 29 – Side Karsilla (1)

It was a bright day.
A clear blue sky. White clouds floating lazily. Sparkling sunlight.
Beneath it, a dark and gloomy gray.
And darker than that was me.

“She’s a cursed child. Look at those black eyes.”
“Just looking at her gives me an ominous feeling… Look at that dark hair. Oh my, heavens. Those, those eyes. Ugh, it’s bad luck.”
“Hey! I told you not to look here!”

I bowed my head to the nun, but as punishment, I had to face the wall in the corner. Another day spent staring at the wall.
I should have just stayed hidden and watched.

Still, after looking at it every day, I found some fun in observing the wall.
How deep and numerous the cracks were, how many holes were drilled and in what shapes they combined, how the bugs wriggled – there were so many interesting things.

‘…It’s not fun.’

No, actually, it is fun. Looking at the wall is surprisingly fun. It’s definitely a fun game that I never get tired of, even if I look at it all day.
The children’s loud chatter, running, laughing, crying… everything that echoes in my ears is noisy. I want to quietly look at the wall, so why do they keep making so much noise? I wish I couldn’t hear it. Then my mind would be at peace.

Wouldn’t it be nice if they joined me in this fun activity? Is it okay for me to be the only one having fun like this?
Oh, a bug I’ve never seen before. It looks strange. It doesn’t have legs, so how does it move?

“Kids~ It’s time to eat! Gather around quickly. Oh dear, be careful.”
“Sister! What about her?”

My wide-open ears don’t miss a single small sound around me.
It’s been like this since I was little. Even from the moment my first memory began, I was listening to someone’s whispers. So, I know everything. What people are murmuring about.

No matter how quietly they whisper. Even if they’re behind the wall. Even if they’re far away like now.
I instinctively know that ‘her’ refers to me. Because it’s always been like this when I feel this stinging sensation in my back. They must be pointing their fingers at my back, right?

It feels like someone is poking my back.
Looking at the wall is fun, but… still, they’re calling me, so I should go. No matter how fun something is, it gets boring if you keep doing it.
I’ll have to see it again later anyway, so I’ll stop for today…

“Shhh. Come here.”
“Yes? Can I just go?”
“Of course. Come on, come here~”
“Okay~”

My steps move away. The sounds, which my sensitive ears pick up, gradually get smaller and smaller, until they completely disappear.
It’s okay.
I haven’t finished watching the bugs yet. It’s fun to watch how they move. There’s still a lot to observe.

Grumble.

My stomach rumbled, and I touched it with my hand. Oh, my clothes got dirty… no, they were already dirty. The hand I stared at was black.
…But my hands aren’t black. They’re not dark.
When was the last time I ate? Was it yesterday? I don’t remember well.

The head nun still gives me food. Why isn’t she coming?
Come to think of it, she’s been looking a bit busy lately. Once her busy work is over, the head nun will give me food. I have to wait until then.
I’m hungry.
Since no one’s around, should I secretly go get some water?

No. I have to be patient. If I get caught secretly drinking water, I’ll have to be alone in a dark room again.
I don’t want to be alone.
I hate the dark even more.
Being alone in a dark place is really, really awful.

I can’t see anything, and being in a room with no one… it’s scary.
I keep hearing strange noises, and it feels like I’m not myself. That chilling whisper in my ear.
No, let’s not think about it.
I’m hungry, but I have to be patient. When the head nun comes, I’ll be able to eat.

The bugs disappeared, and the leaves that were fluttering in front of my eyes fell.
The wall remains unchanged.
I always observe it, but it’s always the same. The cracks, the holes.
Why doesn’t the wall change? It should change so it’s more fun to look at.

…I wish it would change.
I wish the wall… would change.
I wish the cracks in front of me, the holes, would get bigger and break down the wall.
I’m looking forward to when the wall will change. Will it ever change?

The loud noise from afar came back.
The orphanage kids must have finished eating and come back out. See, things change when you wait.
Let’s wait a little longer.
If I wait and wait, it will definitely change.

“Hey!”

It was a voice from afar, but this time too, I instinctively knew. That they were calling me.
I’m glad I waited!

“Yes!”

It’s the nun.
I don’t have to look at the wall anymore, right?

“Important guests are coming, so go over there. Somewhere out of sight.”
“Yes.”
“If you come out, you’ll be in trouble!”

…It changed.
I waited. And it changed.
If I wait a little longer, it will change again. So, I have to wait.

I trudged along. In the direction the nun pointed.
As I was walking, I heard a loud noise from outside. What could it be?

‘…Pretty.’

I secretly peeked out and saw a woman with hair as bright as the sun.
Hair that shone dazzlingly in the sunlight. A pure white face and eyes like the clear blue sky.
The sparkling woman getting out of the carriage was like…

‘Like the sky.’

The sky is bright. It’s not bright every day, but it’s still bright, blue, clear, clean, pretty… anyway, the sky is good.
Just looking up at it. Just looking at it makes me so, so happy.
Even though I’m black underneath it.

Is there anyone else in the world as black as me? Why am I the only one so dark?
The pretty, sparkling woman was instantly surrounded by children. Chatting and laughing.
The sky is good, after all. I’m envious. Unlike me, unlike dark me, it shines brightly.
It looks fun.

It’s okay. I can have fun too.
I squatted in the corner and observed the ground. Hmm. A lump of mud. I want to touch it, but if I touch the mud, I’ll get scolded for being dirty again. I get scolded for being dirty even if I don’t touch it. Should I just touch it?

I don’t want to get scolded.

In front of the children. For being dirty, for smelling bad, for being ominous, for being scary… I don’t want to get scolded. I wish they wouldn’t look at me. At those times, I was glad I was dark. Because the children saw me a little less.
What should I do to not get scolded? I get scolded even if I’m still, what more should I do?

What do I have to do to change?
How much longer do I have to wait?

“Why are you alone?”

That’s when it happened.
When I heard someone’s voice.
When the world changed.

I quickly lowered my head, startled.
Did they see me? They probably didn’t, right?
I wish they would just go away. I don’t want them to see me being scared.

“I don’t know either. Why I’m here.”

I shouldn’t look up.
They’ll hate me.
I lowered my head even further. Staring at the empty mud, I ignored the soft voice.

Because if I look up, even someone with such a soft voice will surely hate me. I don’t want to see that anymore. I’ve already seen it too many times.
I wish they would just go away.
No, I wish they would talk a little more and then go away.
Actually, I wish they would keep talking to me without looking at me.

“…Mister.”

Why are they silent? Is it because they hate me for being a dark child?
It’s okay. There are still many things I haven’t observed on the ground. So. It’s okay if they just go away.

“Hey kid. Why am I a mister? Can’t you see this smooth face?”

Actually, I didn’t see it properly. All I saw was the sunlight sparkling from behind.
Oh. That’s a relief. They probably don’t know I’m dark yet.
Then I can talk a little more, right? But what should I say? I don’t know what to say.

Um.
Um.
Ah!

“How old?”
“22.”

Oh, I see. He’s a mister.

“You are a mister.”

Oops. I hope he’s not angry.
A white and pretty hand suddenly appeared in front of my eyes. He must be angry.
…Am I going to get slapped? I don’t like pain. But I messed up this time.
I wish he would just hit me once and keep talking to me… Ugh?

“So this little mouth is the problem?”

Ughhh.
My lips, my lips!
It doesn’t hurt, but something, something, my head is shaking!

“Kid. Do you trust me?”

Ugh, my lips.
What are you suddenly saying?

“If you come with me, I’ll be your guardian. How about it? Sounds good, right?”
“…Not really.”

I don’t want to.
This is the only place I’ve found.
There are still many fun places in the orphanage. I haven’t seen all of the wall, and there are many places to hide. I don’t want to be sold off.

“Okay, I knew you’d agree. Just trust me.”
“I said I don’t want to.”

I don’t want to leave.
The people here know I’m a dark child, so it’s okay. If other people see me, they’ll be scared.

“I’ll go talk to the head nun. Pack your things.”
“Listen to me!!”

And so.
The world changed.
I waited, and waited, and waited again.

Truly.
The world truly changed.

* * *

Wow. It’s my first time riding in a carriage.
And with a pretty, sparkling lady, just the two of us! I imagined us chatting like in the scene I saw earlier, and my heart started pounding, and I wanted to talk to her quickly.

“……”

In front of me sat a pretty lady who sparkled like the sky.
…Scary.

“How old are you?”
“…I don’t know.”
“Then shall we say you’re seven?”

I’m not seven.
Am I? Actually, I don’t know how old I am.
The pretty, sparkling lady keeps asking me things.
She looked pretty from afar… but up close, I don’t like her. She’s scary.

“I see. You need parents.”

Huh? Parents?
Do I have parents too? I wish I did. For me too.

“Then Yurian is your dad.”

Yurian?

“Ah. Yurian is the man who brought you here. Over there. Outside the window. Can you see him?”
“Yes.”

It’s the man from earlier. He’s talking to a red-haired woman… no, is he getting scolded?

“He’s handsome, kind, and pretty, right?”
“Yes.”
“From now on, he’s your dad. How does that sound?”
“…I don’t know.”

Dad? That person?
A sparkling man, like the sparkling woman in front of me.
My dad? I don’t like it. Then I’m his daughter.

“Later, when you’re alone with him, ask him if you can call him dad. He’ll definitely say yes.”
“……”

I don’t want to. Do I have to?
I kept my mouth shut, and the sparkling woman looked at me with a smile.
…Scary!

“Umm. I will.”
“Good girl. Then let’s practice? Call me mom.”
“……?”
“If that man, Yurian, is your dad, then I’m your mom. Got it? That man is mine. If our baby is near another woman, you have to tell mom, okay?”
“…U, uh-huh.”

Scary, scary, scary, scary!!!

I was left alone with the sparkling man.
I didn’t want to, but the sparkling woman… oh, mom told me to.

“What are you so dissatisfied about? Tell me.”
“Ew. Your way of talking is weird.”
“Heh heh. You are a truly pitiful and unfortunate one. ‘Education’ is needed.”

He’s weird. He sounds like a grandpa.
I don’t like that. Grandpas are weak and die quickly.

“What’s your name?”
“I won’t tell you.”

…Actually, I don’t know.
A name. No one ever gave me one.

Ominous child, child of disaster, unpleasant child.
Are these names? I don’t want to say these names.

“What can I do to make you tell me?”
“First, stop using that annoying way of talking.”

I’ve never heard that kind of talking before.
No one where I lived talked like that. Maybe the head nun was a little similar?

“…Really? Is this okay?”
“Much better.”

Hmm. I’m used to it now.

“Can you tell me your name now?”
“No.”
“…What’s the problem now?”

…Ugh. I have to say it, right?

“…Can I call you that?”
“Huh? What?”
“C-can I try calling you dad once?”

I didn’t want to say it, but getting scolded by the sparkling wo… no, mom, is too scary.
I haven’t been scolded yet… but it’s just scary.

The sparkling man probably doesn’t like kids like me either. A kid like me being his daughter.

“…I guess not, right? Sorry. I just tried…”
“Papa.”
“…Huh?”
“Uh-huh. You have to call me Papa.”

Our eyes met.
Oh, no. I quickly turned my head… turn… I have to turn it.
Why does he have such a creepy look in his eyes?

“…I don’t want to anymore. It feels bad.”

I even got to take a bath in a place where warm water gushed out!
The sparkling man bathes in a place like this. If I bathe here, can I become sparkly too?
What’s this in front of me? Why do they wear such uncomfortable things? It’s so wobbly. Dangling.

“Why is there something weird hanging here? A handle?”
“Y-you’re not supposed to say that! I’ll get arrested.”
“……?”

It must be a weakness.
If I make him angry, I’ll have to grab it and pull it off.