Chapter 18 – Psychiatric Counseling Day

Today is the day to receive psychiatric treatment once every two weeks.

In fact, it says grandiosely that it is psychiatric treatment, but it does not do anything special.
I simply get counseling and get prescribed medication according to my mental state.

When I was young, I was given strong medicine every time.
However, after I became a middle school student, I started to stabilize little by little, and after becoming a college student, I almost stopped taking medication.

Medicine is a double-edged sword.
It makes people feel at ease, but at the same time makes people feel helpless.
When I take medicine, I often spend my days in a daze without thinking about anything.

So I don’t want to take medicine if possible.
Even if you’re alive, you have to act like you’re dead.

“Then there are no problems at university?”
“Yes. I’m doing well.”
“Okay. Do you have any friends?”
“No… A person who can be called a friend…”
“You don’t have to rush. Because it’s important to get used to living among people now. If you get better, friends will come naturally even if you don’t like them.”

Yoon Seo-ah, a neuropsychiatrist.
He has been in charge of me since middle school.
And every time I receive counseling, he says a lot of things that fill me with confidence.

It is said that some mentally ill patients get worse when they meet doctors who do not have the qualifications.

However, the role of the teacher was very important for me to improve my condition as I am now.
He listens to trivial matters and responds to counseling seriously.
As for me, he was the only counselor I could talk to even my family.

“Sir, I…”
“Huh? Why?”

The teacher saw my attitude and sensitively caught that an important story would come out.

In fact, I was hesitating until now.
Will you tell me, or will you keep it a secret?

Maybe if I can’t tell my teacher now, then I can’t tell anyone.
And you might just keep grunting inside and explode.

Before that, I had to get help from someone.

“… Teacher. Could you keep this a secret?”
“Of course. I promise you that I will keep everything I am going to tell you a secret from now on.”

Yoon Seo-ah, famous as a beauty psychiatrist, often appears on TV and writes many columns in newspapers and magazines.
I didn’t know where or how the story would leak if I didn’t tell her to keep it a secret.

“In fact…”

But when she tried to speak, she was at a loss for words.

From where to where to talk.
No matter how much the teacher will properly keep the secret.
Are you saying it for nothing and causing damage to your family?

After hesitating again, the teacher put his hand on the back of my hand.
She could feel the blood circulating in her cold hands again.

“Seonhu. Anything is fine, so let’s talk. If you have a problem, just talking to someone can help.”

The teacher’s eyes staring at me from under her glasses were serious.
She had such confidence that if it was this person, she could be trusted.

“Teacher, the truth is… I have a problem.”
“Okay. What is your concern?”
“That’s a bit hard to say, but… It’s a sexual problem.”
“Sexual troubles. It’s a natural thing at this age. You don’t have to be too shy.”

This may be a problem for any young man.
But I was kind of different.

“But I am different. I want my family… My family is seen as a sexual object.”
“So? If it’s the family of the ancestors, mother, older sister, younger brother, which of them?”
“… All three Everything.”

I bowed my head as I spoke.

Have said I can’t even pick it up anymore.

Will the teacher despise me too? It’s a beast that goes into heat against the family that raised it.
It might be fortunate that I didn’t say that there was even a physical relationship.

“I think the teacher knows what the seonhu are worried about. It’s a family, but it’s not just a family, but it’s a story that looks like a woman, right? It seems like an object of sexual desire.”
“… Yes. That’s right.”

After I said it, I belatedly regretted it.
Embarrassed, I couldn’t even lift my face.

“Seonhu. You don’t have to take it too seriously. Would you like to see the teacher?”

The teacher’s voice was sweet.
I carefully raised my head and met her eyes with the teacher.

“It is natural for a person to be kind to someone. It is natural for sexual desire to follow.”
“Sir, but…”
“And it’s not that uncommon for family members to have sexual desires. Everyone keeps it a secret, so it’s just unknown.”
“…”

Is it really like that?
Aren’t you lying for me?

“And the seonhu thinks that she did something big wrong, but in fact she didn’t do anything bad, did she? She said she didn’t like it, but didn’t she force herself into a relationship?”

I shook my head.

“Then it’s okay. It’s just that incestuous marriages are forbidden, because loving itself is not a sin. Strictly speaking, Seonhu is an adopted child, so she is not related. They may be criticized morally, but no one can punish them before and after. In Korea, the ‘right to love’ is protected by law.”
“… The right to love?”
“Okay. Did you know that there was such a thing as ‘adultery’ in the past?”

The teacher asked, stroking her ring on the ring finger of her left hand.
I shook my head.

“Adultery is when a married person has sex with someone of the opposite sex. It means the same as cheating. Until a few years ago, this was considered adultery and was a legally punishable crime. But this law was repealed. Why was it abolished?”
“… Why was it abolished?”
“Because it violates people’s right to love. So if the teacher cheated on her with a man other than her husband, she would not be punished legally. Because teachers have the right to love.”
“Ah…”

The teacher removed her wedding ring from her wear and placed it on her desk.
The action seemed very meaningful for some reason.

“Wind is a clear victim. If the teacher cheated, her teacher’s husband would be the victim. However, it is not the teacher’s fault. Because she has the right to love the teacher.”

It was. If you cheat, you become a victim.
But if it’s not a crime, won’t the victim feel unfair?

The direct reason why my mom divorced her stepdad was because of his stepdad’s wishes.
Although she was awarded property division and custody, the stepdad was not punished. She continues to do what she was doing.

“Then what about family love? If family members love each other, who is the victim?”

The teacher asked with serious eyes.
I racked my brain hard, but no answer came to my mind.

“The victim… Isn’t it?”

At my answer, the teacher laughed as if it was the correct answer.

“Okay. No one is avoiding anyone. Rather, the victim is yourself before and after. You haven’t done anything wrong, but you’re struggling with a sense of guilt.”
“I am the victim… ?”
“Okay. After that, you didn’t do anything wrong. That means there is no need to feel guilty.”

Even though it was an empty word, the teacher’s words soaked my heart like rain during a drought.

I felt like crying.
All the things I’ve been thinking about for a while have gone.
I felt forgiven for all the sins I thought were wrong.

“Seonhu. You can’t let go of your heart Because your family is special. There are plenty of people who would try to put you down even if they did nothing wrong, right?”
“Yes… There is.”

A malicious fandom that tries to damage it somehow.
And the reporters who throw food there.

It should never be known to such people.
Whether it’s wrong or not, if they find out, they will definitely try to destroy my family.

“And another one. Never do anything the other person doesn’t agree with. It is said that people have the freedom to love, but the same goes for the other person. You can’t force anything. Do you know what the teacher means?”
“Ah yes. I will keep that in mind.”

The teacher’s advice was so obvious.
But it was also just as important.
Because if you cross the line with selfish desire, you may end up hurting each other that can’t be washed.

“Finally, do you care about anyone besides your family?”
“Anyone who cares?”

That was another unexpected question.
Does the person you care about here refer to the object you feel sexual desire for, like you feel for your family?

“Okay. Like she’s a girl from the same school.”
“No, not really… I am still afraid of people other than my family.”

I shook my head.
Not to mention the people I care about, and I don’t even have close friends.

“Okay. I’m scared… Are you afraid of even the teacher?”
“No. The teacher is not afraid.”

The teacher is the one who advised me since I was in middle school.
It’s different from her mother, but I’m grateful for being like a lifesaver.
Perhaps he was the one with whom she spoke more openly than her mother.

“Then, how about the teacher? Has she ever felt a sexual desire from her teacher?”
“… Yes?”

I couldn’t help but be embarrassed by the teacher’s words.
It was so sudden and embarrassing that it was difficult to answer easily.

“You can be honest. I’m asking to determine whether the seonhu feels sexual desire only for her family, or whether she’s accumulated sexual desire is directed toward her closest member of the opposite sex, her family.”

I barely understood why the teacher suddenly asked such a question.
However, it was not something that could be digested easily.

When I hesitated and couldn’t answer, the teacher put his hand on the back of my hand again.
I had held her hand the same way as before, but for some reason it felt different this time.

The teacher gently strokes the back of my hand.
I felt a little ticklish, ashamed.
When our eyes met, the eyes behind the glasses were smiling kindly.

Until now, I had never seen a teacher as an object of sexual desire.
But once she began to be conscious, her heart began to pound strangely.

Originally, the teacher was famous as a beauty psychiatrist and female doctor.
When psychiatric advice is needed on TV, she is always the number one recruiter.
Her intelligent appearance, sharp analytical skills, and friendly counseling attitude added to her popularity as well as that of a celebrity.

For her and for me, she has been my long-term counselor and the most open person outside of her family.
Against such a teacher, I was definitely feeling sexual desire right now.

“… Can I be honest with you?”
“Are you okay. Can you tell me?”
“I felt it. Sexual desire. Even against teachers.”
“Whoops. Thank you. The teacher is not dead yet.”

The teacher smiled and removed her hand from the back of her hand.
I felt sorry for the falling warmth.
What were you expecting? It’s natural that nothing happened.
I brushed off the thoughts that popped into my head.

“Then the precedent is normal. It’s not that she only feels sexual desire for her family, but her sexual desire that has accumulated and lost its place is only directed towards her family.”
“Yes…”

For me, I think the teacher might be special.
Anyway, this week’s consultation ended like this.

“Remember what the teacher said today. If you have another concern, don’t be alone and talk to me. Not necessarily to her teachers, but to her family.”
“All right.”

Today’s consultation was especially rewarding as the troubles I was suffering from were resolved.

“Then, seonhu, see you in two weeks.”
“Thank you, sir.”

I politely greeted the teacher who shook her hand and left her office.
My steps back home were lighter.

* * *

“Ha…”

Meanwhile, Mr. Yoon Seo-ah, who returned her seonhu and was left alone in her clinic, sighed deeply.

“I failed this week… It was a great opportunity…”

She fell helplessly on her desk.
Then she put her forehead on the desk and started muttering something in her mumble.

“But touching a patient… No, if you insist that this is also part of the treatment… “

Then she looked at her right hand.
The hand that touched the back of the predecessor’s hand.
For seven years she had been in his charge, but she could only count on her hands the number of physical contacts she had made in this way.

“Two weeks later…”

The hand naturally descended under the desk.
And he hid himself under her skirt.

“Ah… ♡”

That’s how Yoon Seo-ah spent her time alone until the next reservation time.