424 – On Repentance -7-

I bit my lip, staring at the faded letter in the young lady’s hand.

“….”

Because I didn’t know what to say.

It was a letter I had written long ago.

A letter written with the thought that the end of my life might be approaching. Back then, impatient, I was rushing to give the young lady my final greetings.

-…I hope you wake up soon.

I was a coward, feeling fear as I looked at the young lady who couldn’t open her eyes.

Even the strongest-hearted person was bound to be afraid when a precious person was sick.

I had wished a dozen times that I was the one who was sick, and hundreds of times that I was the one who had closed my eyes.

It was as agonizing as having my entire body torn apart, but enduring that time was an even greater pain for me.

-Please…

It was a letter I had written at such a time. The letter the young lady was holding now, that is.

A letter written with the hope that she would forget me and meet new people, and instead of forgetting my existence, she would only cherish the good memories.

“This…”

It was the letter in the young lady’s hand.

The young lady stared silently at the faded letter and asked me. Why did I write this letter?

“Why did you write it?”

I knew the reason, but it wouldn’t come out of my mouth. It was a word that shouldn’t be spoken.

“W-Well, that is…”

I couldn’t force the answer the young lady desired past my lips. I pressed them shut, swallowing hard. I couldn’t possibly tell her I’d been writing a will, a farewell to life.

‘…Idiot.’

I’d forgotten.

That I hadn’t removed the letter tucked into my diary.

-From this moment, Olivia is no longer a ward of Desmond.

-Lord Desmond…!

-You as well. You are to leave Desmond at once and return to the Academy.

-…

-The family will provide for your tuition, so sever your ties to Desmond and return to a normal life.

-I cannot.

-Ricardo. Desmond has lost its power. I barely managed to stave off the Emperor’s order to exile you and Olivia to the provinces.

-…I appreciate the consideration, but I cannot obey your command, Lord Desmond.

-Ricardo!!!

-Abandoning one’s master is not the way of a steward.

The young lady had been forced out of the capital estate the moment she regained consciousness; there simply hadn’t been time to remove the letter. She barely had time to pack, much less sort through old correspondence.

“…”

Yes, this situation was proving troublesome.

My forgotten dark history, revealed for all to see.

“I can explain everything. This is….”

The young lady, her head bowed, looked up at me and asked,

“Why did you write such a letter?”

“…”

“It is a letter, isn’t it…?”

A sudden silence descended, and I squeezed my eyes shut. The young lady had likely already read the letter.

Knowing its contents.

Knowing the circumstances. She likely requested my diary to question me about the letter I’d penned in the past.

“…”

Each time I saw the young lady with her head lowered, my lips grew drier.

“That is…”

I knew it. That the cleverest way to navigate this situation was to be honest, without resorting to lies.

That I’d been going through a difficult time back then.

That I was likely to depart for a place where we couldn’t meet for a long while, and that I’d penned a farewell in that letter—frankly admitting all this was the wise solution, the one that wouldn’t escalate things.

Now that Milady knew what happened that day, just explaining how I’d felt at the time would end this argument.

“…”

But

“It’s nothing.”

Being the coward I was, I lacked the courage to wound Milady’s heart. I am, after all, a fearful man.

“…What do you mean, ‘nothing’!!!”

Raising her head, which had been bowed for so long, Milady looked at me, trembling eyes meeting mine, and shouted. Angrily demanding what I meant by ‘nothing.’

“Why… why do you say that?”

Her fists clenched, Milady stared into my eyes and began to vent her sorrow.

Why do you say that?

Aren’t you resentful, even a little?

Scolding my foolish self, she poured out her frustration at my infuriating behavior.

“Why… why do you say it’s nothing?”

“…”

“Do you know… do you know how shocked I was when I read this letter?”

“…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say you’re sorry!!! What are you even sorry for?”

Milady squeezed the letter in her hand. Her voice, shaking like a frightened kitten, held an undercurrent of unease.

“It’s an old letter. A story from over two years ago.”

Milady rubbed her reddened eyes with the back of her hand and looked at me.

“It’s a will.”

“…”

“It’s Ricardo’s will.”

“That’s…”

Milady began to recite the contents of the letter, her voice choked with tears. Trembling as she suppressed her anger.

“Why are you telling me to forget…?”

“…”

“How can I forget if you put it like that.”

“…”

“Is Ricardo a fool? Why do you just take it… why are you so good to me?”

“…”

“You can’t even ask for praise when you’ve done well! Why do you try to live like a naive pushover?”

“Isn’t it… better now?”

At that optimistic response, the young lady clenched her fist and, with sharp eyes, posed a frigid counter-question.

“What if I hadn’t seen Ricardo’s scars?”

“…”

“Those hard, calloused scars….”

“…”

“Those scars, cracked like tree bark… If I hadn’t seen them, you would have….”

She knew the reality of it better than anyone.

“That’s…”

I lost my words at her question, my lips moved soundlessly as I closed my eyes. Even I couldn’t fathom the answer to that question right now.

“Perhaps I…”

“…”

“Perhaps…”

If the young lady hadn’t seen the dark scars, perhaps I still wouldn’t have heard a single word of apology, even now.

Whether that meant death,

or an unchanging routine.

The young lady, knowing this better than anyone, looked at me and said in a trembling voice.

“I might still hate Ricardo…!”

“…”

“Not even know that I lived because of Ricardo…! Resent him for crippling my leg!”

“…”

“If Ricardo had died….”

“…”

“I wouldn’t have known Ricardo died because of me… wouldn’t have known he suffered because of me!!! I almost would have lived without a care in the world!!!”

“…”

“Why didn’t you write even a single word…”

Miss stared at me with trembling eyes, tears falling onto the letter.

“Why not even a word… about you…”

“…”

“‘I saved you because of this.’, ‘You’re breathing now thanks to me.’, ‘If it weren’t for me, you would’ve… died…!’ Why didn’t you write any of that?!”

Her words resonated deeper than I expected, leaving me speechless for a while. I hadn’t imagined receiving a scolding about the letter’s content, rather than resentment for the irresponsibility of leaving it behind.

“…”

I suppose I was quite surprised.

I hadn’t foreseen Miss reprimanding my foolishness.

Miss’s pupils shone with a melancholy light as she clenched her fist.

“How can I forget…?”

“…”

“How can I ever forget someone like you?”

The expression on Miss’s face, when she first saw my black scars, overlapped with how she looked now.

“…Why are you saying that?”

I don’t want to see her crying.

“You must have been terrified!”

“…”

“You must have been so scared, you wanted to run away!”

Especially if it was someone I loved.

“…I don’t know.”

I didn’t want to see her sadness.

“I…”

I took Miss’s hand and pulled her into my small embrace.

“Let go!”

I could hear her complaints, her voice crying out for me to release her, but seeing her healthy form, wriggling with life, filled me with relief. With a selfish heart, I held her tightly, hoping to quell her protests.

Her fist pounded against my chest.

“Idiot…!”

Her dainty, most adorable fist in the world, struck my chest as she murmured her complaints about the unexpected discovery of the letter.

“Stupid!”

It wasn’t just because she was the hero who’d saved my life; it was because of the poignant stirrings in my heart caused by the young lady’s delightful touch, a connection formed between us, that the urge to embrace her grew ever stronger.

“Mut! Sea Anemone! Octopus!”

“Pfft…”

“Don’t laugh!!!!”

Even her scolding felt adorable – I was truly in a critical state… Like a terminal illness, even the snot that smeared on my clothes felt like a kind of comedy; I feared there was no cure for me.

“I don’t know, Young Lady.”

I pressed my palm against her cheek, forcing her to meet my gaze.

“Mph.”

Her cheek squished, the young lady looked at me like a goldfish, her lips forming soundless bubbles. My heart ached to kiss her…

“Mphmphmphmph.”

But I was a timid man, unable to make a courageous choice. I could only stare at the young lady’s carp-like lips, squashed by my hand, and smile.

“Mphmph…”

“Why… did you write that letter?”

“Mmmmmphmph…!”

“I don’t know.”

“Mphmph…”

“Was it because I’m a fool, a simpleton, and didn’t want to blame it on you, Young Lady…?”

“Mphmph…”

“Or was it because I couldn’t bear to see the most beautiful person in the world cry, I can’t be sure.”

“Mphmphmph…”

“What’s certain is that it’s because I hold a feeling… deeper than friendship.”

“Mph?”

“Though the foolish Young Lady wouldn’t notice, I suppose.”

I gave a small smile, flicking her cheek with my finger.

“Because the Young Lady is a fool.”

-Sniffle.

Wiping away tears, the young lady gazed at me with tearful eyes, whining.

“I thought you were disappearing. Really…”

“…”

“I thought you were running away because you hated me…”

“Why would I run, when I have such a darling young lady here with me?”

“Because I’m a bad person.”

“…Pardon?”

The young lady clutched the letter, her fist pressed against her chest, and began to unburden the troublesome thoughts that had plagued her.

“Ricardo told me to be a good person, but I haven’t been able to.”

“…”

“Even if I say it dozens… hundreds of times, I don’t change… I thought I might run away because I hate myself for it.”

“…That’s not true. You’ve changed a great deal.”

The young lady shook her head, speaking with rare honesty.

“This isn’t change.”

Unaware that she was wearing the most adorable expression in the world.

“All I do is whine, scream that I’m annoyed, and spew out curses left and right.”

“Pfft.”

“But what can I do when I’m angry! What can I do when I’m annoyed! I know it’s better if I just hold it in…! But… but…”

My eyes keep drifting to her fidgeting fingers. Even though she’s scolding me, my gaze keeps returning to those small, delicate fingers.

“What can I do if I’m just a bad person.”

She spoke like a fool.

I calmly offered an explanation to the tearful young lady. Being a bad person was bad only in *her* estimation. From *my* perspective, having read the original story, she was an angel, so I couldn’t agree with her words at all.

“What does it matter if you’re bad? Just be good to me.”

“I’m not good to Ricardo either.”

“That’s alright. I prefer a tomboyish young lady to a sickeningly sweet one.”

The young lady nodded, a bright smile gracing her lips.

“Okay!”

Her smile was radiant.

“From now on, I’ll only be a good person to Ricardo.”

“Of course.”

“And I’m not an idiot.”

The young lady spoke, casting me a sidelong, sharp glance.

“Something deeper than friendship is…”

-Gulp.

“It’s ’cause of loyalty.”

“…Haa…”

“Hmm?”

Watching the young lady’s innocent smile, I stuffed the bread on my plate into my mouth.

Of course.

-Blegh!!

Into the young lady’s mouth, that is.

“You’re a fool. Truly.”

It seemed my romance was still far off.

“Eeeeek!!!”

To woo that oblivious girl, that is.